Saturday, December 8, 2007

Look You Pompous Old Bastard, You Don't Scare Me...

I was on a car stop today in the parking lot of one of our local coffee joints. It's rather a small parking lot, and when I stop a car in there, I inevitably end up blocking someone in. Most people realize I am not going to be there all day and just wait for me to finish. I even try to acknowledge them and let them know I'll only be a few minutes.

As I'm explaining the cite to my driver and trying to convince her to sign it to avoid going to jail, this old bastard walks up behind me (his first mistake), and proceeds to "inform" me, in his most pompous and uppity voice, that I am blocking five cars in with my patrol car. I returned the favor and "informed" him that I was attempting to conduct my business and I would be moving momentarily.

Not good enough. He unilaterally decided he was the most important person short of God and he needed to get out NOW. I had to explain to him that the longer he stood next to me and kept me from doing my job, the longer it would take him to get out of the parking lot.

He finally ended the "conversation" with one of my least favorite lines. "Okay Mister (looking at my name plate) Smith, number (looking closely at my badge) 364, you just need to hurry up" and he turned and walked away. Oooohhhhh. Let me just stop shaking in my boots.

When people pull that crap, they don't realize it, but it does the exact opposite of what they intended. They think that by noting my name or badge number, I am going to suddenly kowtow to them and say "Yes sir, sorry sir, I'll move right now sir". Oh, geez, now you know who I am so I'd better be on my best behavior or you might "have my badge". Nope, sorry. If anything I'm going to take just a little bit LONGER. And so it went today...

I finished explaining the cite to my driver, and very carefully and deliberately walked back to my patrol car, taking care not to slip on the wet pavement or bump my still quaking shins on the push bumper. I waved to the pompous old bastard as I opened my door and told him "I'm moving now". Once I got in my car, I very carefully pulled my seatbelt across my body and buckled it, tugging a few times to ensure it was securely fastened (can't be too safe ya' know). I turned off my lights to ensure I wasn't going to distract anyone else with my pretty flashing lights and cause a crash. Next, I carefully and safely drove across the parking lot to the exit (15 miles per hour is the speed limit in parking lots). Before pulling out of the driveway, I made sure to signal my turn, and I waited for traffic to clear before CAREFULLY pulling out onto roadway. All told, I probably added another five minutes or so to his precious day. Ooops.... sorry.

I really wanted him to do something stupid so I'd have a reason to stop and cite him, but alas, he did not. Darn, can't win 'em all I suppose.

3 comments:

USAincognito said...

LOL!!! I am dying laughing over here!!

Enforcer said...

dontcha just love due care, I like explaining each thing I do to them as I do it, noting that Im doing each thing for safety, legality or what have you each step of the way. It so pisses em off every time.

David said...

I especially love it when they look at my name plate, then read my badge number and then look at my pen in my shirt and ask to borrow it to write down my name. I have to only laugh on the inside as I politely, but firmly decline. (Officer safety, ya know. Don't want to give an angry person a pen to shove back into my face)