Monday, August 4, 2008

Lexus Nexis?

The latest fad to strike the Bay Area is the uncontrollable urge to purchase a Lexus SC300.

Used of course. Preferably pre-1999 vintage. Aged well.

But to simply purchase one is not enough. Next, you must paint the car in some candy color that simply does not belong on a car. We'll say candy grape purple. Then, you have to choose a contrasting color, say bright piss yellow perhaps, in which to paint a large Lexus "L" symbol on both doors because, of course, the rest of us are far too stupid to know the car is a Lexus. To further assist us idiots, please remember to paint a smaller "L" on the rear fenders as an added reminder.

Because we are not aware, or we simply don't care as the case may be, that your new vehicle rides on wheels which are twenty-two inches in diameter, please also place gaudy fake diamond encrusted "22" emblems on the front fenders, just in front of the doors a'la a Mustang 5.0 emblem.

Maybe you could even get personalized plates to the effect of LXS DUBZ, or some such nonsense.

We're also ignorant of the fact that you have a fifteen year car loan to pay for your overpriced monstrosity with the 22 inch chrome wheels and fifty-thousand watt sound system with which to piss of your neighbors and rattle windows for blocks around.

But wait, for you are not yet finished. Now you must purchase and apply a tint film to all of your windows, often including the windshield, which you take great pains to color match to the grape juice purple paint you applied earlier. If only you would take the time to work the air bubbles out when you were applying it, the film might even stay on. Most likely though, you will have a large flap of film hanging from the window by a corner in six months time. That is okay though. It makes it easier to remove the tint when you get the fix it ticket.

PERFECT! Oh, but no Oak Town hood ride is complete without the gold chrome plastic rub strips. You, however, the artiste' that you are, are not content to put a little twelve inch piece at the rear edge of each door. No,NO! That would be much too plain. You procure enough of this stuff to surround every door, trunk and hood opening on the vehicle.

Almost done. Now for the piece de resistance! Go to Tap Plastics and get yourself four pieces of acrylic to match your Lexus "L" yellow paint. Cut them bad boys into circles about twenty one inches in diameter, then bore holes in the center in a lugnut pattern. When you've done that, you'll pull the wheels off the car and put your matching acrylic disks on behind the wheels, thus effectively removing any airflow from cooling your brakes after they have to work so hard to stop your ridiculously large wheels.

Ahh, yes! A MASTERPIECE!

Seriously now. Some of you still think I am kidding.

I assure you I am not...









Now just imagine this putrid piece of shit rolling down the street with clouds of weed smoke flowing from the open moon roof, and the picture is complete.

Alas, this is not the only one. I was not able to able to find pictures of the blue and orange one.

Or the silver and green one...

Or the brown and tan one...

Or the lime and emerald one...

Then there's this fine piece of.... ummm.... machinery


I call them clown cars. And the list goes on...

13 comments:

Mrs. "Smith" said...

Holy crap, honey!! Warn me and I'll go to the bathroom first! :)

USAincognito said...

Eeeeeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!! *HURL* They call that cool?!? I call that a yucky cheapo plastic thing on wheels. *shudder* There has got to be a ticket you can hand out for destroying a car like these 2 have been!

TheBronze said...

ROFLMAO!!! That's beautiful!!!

You've gotta love hood-rats!

makeumdothechicken said...

Cars like that look especially good on tow trucks as the driver yells from the backseat, "Yo watch the paint! Hey man, can you loosen these cuffs?"

Evil Lunch Lady said...

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahah, 'nuff said;)

fuzzys dad said...

This makes me want to barf.
Dumb a@@es

RoaVaPD said...

We get the same thing here except they can't afford to do that on anything but an old car that should be in the junk yard.

*Goddess* said...

Actually they would have to put a big "L" on there for me to recognize it as a Lexus in it's current "condition". I suggest they get rid of the "L" and put "P.O.S." instead. Much more appropriate description.

justusforall said...

Ghetto-fabulous.
Kids will be kids...

Berserk said...

Ghetto-fabulous. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Me said...

an, if those cars are not, by themselves, probable cause for a stop and search, I don't know what is.

Tonya said...

Hey, I don't know where you are an office, but *I* live in Oakland and I have seen BOTH of the cars around here! That's just too funny.

What irks me too is the people pulling up to their house in the projects in their $50K Cadillac Esclade all tricked out with giant rims. I know, I work fairly near Acorn housing projects, I see it all the time. You live in public assistance housing, get food stamps and all kinds of gov't assistance, but drive a 50K Car?

What is wrong with this picture?

Officer "Smith" said...

Tonya, I'm close enough to Oakland...