Sunday, September 21, 2008


I originally posted this as a comment on Roanoke Cop's Zombies and Monsters post, which was inspired by The Fixit Shop post on The Attack.

I thought such an epic battle should have its own post though, so I copied it here.


There I was... walking through the very large rear yard of a residence, checking the doors and windows on an alarm detail.

As I walked up three small steps, I sensed something in the dark in front of me. I turned on my light, and there it was.

A big PURPLE Orb Weaver, not six inches in front of my face.

I backed down a couple of feet and removed my Spider Web Taker Downer Thingy, which my department fortunately provides us as well, and very carefully dislodged the web from the ivy on either side.

The Orb Weaver did not move, yet.

When I got the final strand on one side, he attacked. The Orb Weaver quickly scampered across the remaining web, which was firmly stuck to my Taker Downer Thingy, and planted himself squarely on the end of the black wooden Thingy.

We just stood there, face to face, and stared at each other. Then he made his move. The Orb Weaver scuttled up the Spider Web Taker Downer Thingy, aiming intently for my unprotected hand.

Of course, I did what anyone would do. I began swinging the Taker Downer Thingy rapidly up and down in an attempt to dislodge the intruder. And dislodge him I did...

The Orb Weaver dropped from the end of the Taker Downer Thingy...

and swung around on the bit of web he had spun. Around he went, and back he came, right toward my face.

I held my Thingy at arms length as the Orb Weaver swung within tenths of an inch of my face (okay, maybe it was more like a foot, but dramatic effect ya' know?), before continuing his arc and alighting on the ivy from which I had previously removed his web.

I continued my search of the yard in earnest, knowing that if there HAD been anyone there, they would have been laughing their ass off at my battle.

I guess I must not have made too much noise. No lights came on in the nearby neighbors houses.

I guess the Orb Weaver and I were the only witnesses to such an epic battle.


RoaVaPD said...

I'm sure you're as glad as I am that they issue us a Spider Web Taker Downer Thingy. I have the expandable model so it's always on my belt, you just never know when you'll need it!

Me said...

OK, I'm fessing up too.

Berserk said...

My department doesn't approve of the expandable version of the spider web taker downer thingy (tell the truth, neither do I). Still, I almost always have it with me. Never know when those vicious spiders will need their webs taken down.

Of course, if you leave the web up, then you can always send the crackhead that way and see if they are strong enough to escape before the spiders suck them dry.

USAincognito said...

lol...I am almost crying from laughing so hard!!!! What a hilarious moment that had to have been!!! Of course, if it had been me, I would have been screaming like a girl and running from that spider!!!! *shudder*

FroneAmy said...

Normally it's me doing the crazy GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF dance, while my husband laughs and 'politically reassigns' the spider, so I had a bit of a chuckle at your expense. :P

5150Wife said...

Yesterday JD was sharing with me yet another of his "It tried to take me down!" Orb Weaver stories. I told him "there's this blog post you have to read". JD's not into the whole blogging thing but I made him read this post. He was bustin' a gut laughing. He could totally relate.

He said he wishes his dept would issue Taker Downer Thingies. I know. Unheard of, huh? What can I say? It's Mayberry. *rolleyes*