Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Habits Old and New...

I have a bad habit.

I know, I know. Another one?

Yes.

Occasionally I will go out into the rear lot at the PD and find that some non-parking individual has placed the passenger side of their patrol car so near my driver's door that I can only open it about six or eight inches, thereby blocking me from entering my own patrol car. I'm not as svelte as I was in my younger years, but damn. I don't even think a super-model could sneak into my car.

What do I do?

I move the offending patrol car into the jail parking slot and put its driver door about an inch from the cinder block wall. Then I climb out the passenger side.

And if this is not the first time such officer has parked in such offensive manner, I will go one step further. If this officer is unfortunate enough to drive one of our patrol cars that has all the shit (the lights, siren, radio, etc.) connected to the ignition switch in such a way that everything powers off when the key is off, I flip the pursuit switch to 3, turn the siren on, crank the A/C, turn the wipers on high, and set the radio to the local rap station with the volume on high.

All of my cop readers are already laughing now, because they've all done it too. For the uninformed, let me explain how this little "tactic" works. When the, ummm... "target officer" comes out and finally manages to get into their car, they always fail to notice everything is in the on position. When said officer turns on the ignition switch all hell breaks loose. Lights start flashing, siren starts wailing, A/C blows, wipers wipe. It usually takes a minute for them to turn everything off.

Oddly enough, I've never had to do this twice to the same person.

They always seem to get the point...

23 comments:

Me said...

Talcum powder in the A/C vents is a nice touch as well. I admit to doing this myself to parking-lot offenders among my own peer group. And you're right--they usually get the hint the first time.

The Fargin Icehole said...

Talc is good, but for the real bad offenders, pepper spray in the A/C vents gets the message across with an exclamation point. Mean, sure. Kind of like potty training on steroids.

Damsel Underdressed said...

That is hilarious! I will keep this in mind if I ever get to go on a ride along. :)

The Pup said...

*laughs* This is great! I've heard of the 'propped to go off at movement' fire extinguisher in the trunk, but this is just gold. Will have to remember this when I get in and get a few years under my belt.

Beat And Release said...

We have filled cars with crickets, strapped a road kill bunny into the passenger seat and stuck a cigarette in it's mouth. Attach a party streamer to the underside of the rear bumper so it unfurls as the victim is driving off down the road. Dead snakes are great for those afraid of serpents, although it could result in a wrecked vehicle.

One of the best I've seen is one of those old tape recorders that will run for 30-45 minutes per side. Officer gets in and drives off. Fifteen minutes into his patrol shift he begins to hear a very spooky voice repeatedly calling his name every so often. Hehehe.

Texas Ghostrider said...

I have done, uuuhhh I mean know of all except the tape recorder, that is a good one, I think I know how to bring it up to 2009. The snake I know of a deputy who "killed" a stuff raddle snake and his transmission. He got days off because he would not tell the sheriff who he thinks done it. if it is a car that rolls 16 to 20 hrs the pepper spray and powder might be a bit much. cans on fishing line works good tied to the undercarage...... not that I know first hand or anything.....

powdergirl said...

I guess that would be the police policing the police parking procedure?

Thats hilarious, thanks for the laugh. I imagine all that fanfare on start-up would startle the crap out of you. Too funny.

Front Porch Society said...

lol. And always a crowd nearby to watch, right? ;) hahaha!!

Triple Beeper said...

I had no idea cops were as bad to one another as firefighters are! I also love when units go 10-6 to find clean pants after a prank. Simply hilarious!!

Black Ice said...

You, sir, are a dick. And I mean that as a sincere complement.

Man, I haven't laughed so hard in a while. Pity you can't turn that dashcam around so we can get footage of their reactions!!

cigarcow said...

This blog is so funny and insightful, and I always learn something. As a bonus, maybe I'll become a better driver through e-osmosis. Anyway, it's also funny to hear about cops playing practical jokes on each other. Thanks!

storkjrc@gmail.com said...

i always liked to use a small dead fish, strategically placed under the passenger seat. It can take days to air out.

in the auto biz, if someone really pisses you off, pour a limited-slip differential additive in the back seat. They will have to sell the car.

Mad Jack said...

Back in the bad old days there was a nasty little 'service' that produced a rodent like chirp/squeak and scamper sound from the PC speaker. It would do this one to three times per day. I gather that it took over six weeks for the office staff to discover what it was and get rid of it.

Another little nasty was the typing tutor variant. The longer you typed, the more typos you would make. I had a jerk for a boss once (right. just once.) and someone installed this little gem on his desktop while he was taking a break.

Another merry prankster applied Vaseline to the earpiece of the telephone.

I've never heard of the talcum powder in the AC vents, but it sounds hilarious. The tin cans and the fish line, now, that has a certain ring to it that appeals to me. Especially if you could arrange discovery during a heavy rainstorm.

Beat And Release said...

Back in the days of vinyl seats up front, it was fun to Armor-All the front seat. hehehe....better be wearing that seatbelt.

That is, of course, far different from using Armor-All on the BACK seat to facilitate the "waffle."

*Goddess* said...

How I wish I could re-park the cars of idiots who get so close to me in the parking lot of a grocery store, I can't get my door open. And YET, we'll be the only two cars in the lot.....grrrrrrrr!

911 and the Randomness.. said...

Best ever at my dept, during winter.. an officer took the hose and 'misted' another officers veh and added more water every time the last bit froze. by the time he was done there was a layer of ice about an inch thick covering the veh.

The Fargin Icehole said...

I forgot...we did this to the Sgt's car. Took off the door panel and put a ball bearing on the rail for the window riser. Every time he moved, turned or stopped, "zzzzzzzzzzzz-tink!"

Art said...

Talc and pepper spray in the vents just became "old hat". I just left Home Depot where I saw chalkline chalk powder in some neon colors (orange, green, pink). They even sell a nice little bulb syringe to make it easy to get the chalk into the vents with minimal mess. I'm retired, but somebody will pick up on this for the extra-bad offenders that need punishing.
LtGod MPD

clady said...

My practical jokes are tame compared to these! Very funny!

Sandra G. said...

Oh my, I have just found a few new favorite practical jokes!

What about getting the extra keys and waiting until the offending officer drove to a coffee shop? We'd wait until the officer went inside and then we'd sneak in and move his car.

Officer "Smith" said...

All our cars are keyed alike, so that one is easy. And common...

The Dispatcher and Her Officer said...

A couple small rocks in the hubcap of the cruiser if so equiped makes a hell of a racket. - Officer

t said...

Working in an office full of retired LEOs, I know how they felt when they were active and played tricks on one another.. It's great reading your blog..Keep them coming!