Monday, October 20, 2014

Blue Widow(er)...

I'm a widower.

Wait, what?

The past three weeks have seen quite the transition in my life.  Lots of things have been rolling around in my head, and I've had to come to terms with some new things.  Lots of new questions, and not many answers.

I find myself wondering about things most people don't have to consider.  Then I find I don't know the answers.  I don't even know if there is a right or wrong answer.

My wife is physically gone from my life.  All I have left is her pictures, her memories, and the box of ashes that sits on my bookshelf for the moment.  In time, that too will be gone.  Her wish was to be scattered at sea, and I intend to honor that wish.

I continue to wear my wedding ring, and I still feel married.  I did not divorce my wife.  I did not leave my wife and she did not leave me.  She died, we are not unmarried.  So now, what is appropriate?

How long should I wear my ring?  Forever?  A year?  More?  Less?  There is not one right answer, and I know the best answer is that I will know when it's time.  But will it ever be time?

I still refer to her as my wife, and for the same reasons.  Our relationship was stronger than ever when she passed, and I don't feel like I'm any less married.  What now?  She's not my ex-wife.  I hate hearing "my late wife".  She's not late, she's gone.  My dead wife sounds even worse.  I have yet to find any term I feel is appropriate, other than "my wife".

Please understand, dear readers, that I am not looking for advice here.  I know only I can find the answers to these questions.  I am merely voicing my thoughts here to give a bit of insight to those of you who have never had a spouse pass away.

I would not wish this upon my worst enemy...


Jay said...

I come with no advice. I just want you to know that you and your family are being thought of and mentioned in my prayers each night.

Jono said...

It's a process and will unfold as it is meant to. There will be the full range of emotions. Some questions will be answered and some won't and time will slowly take the edge off. Just be honest with yourself and go about your business the best you can. You have our best wishes and thoughts. It ain't much, but it's all we can give you from here.

Carteach said...

In my 53 years I've managed to lose people dear to me. A son..... and more.

There are no rules. There are no answers. You just go on.

Firelady said...

I haven't been reading blogs much the last year, but I was just catching up on how everyone's been doing and saw this. I wish you godspeed in finding peace and healing.

glasslass said...

Previous computer blew up and I lost a lot of blogs, yours being one. Was sad when I found you again and read the news of your wife's death. Having lost my hubby 2 years ago I can only say it sucks. But it does get a little better each month. Lots of down days with some good. But you get to choose have fast or slow you need to progress through this time as every person has it's own time table for healing. Keep the ring on as long as You like, you'll know when it's time to take it off. So just know that people have you and her in their prayers. Hope to see you back her sometime in the future.