Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Post I Don't Want to Write...



I am not ready to write this.

I will never be ready.

On September 30th, my lovely Mrs. Smith was taken forcibly from me by the cancer that had invaded her body at intervals during the past three plus years.

I hate cancer.  Cancer is an evil that comes from within. 

Mrs. Smith fought valiantly, even when she was tired of fighting.  She was determined to not let it get her.  She kept her chin up, and her shoulders squared.  She fought right up to her final breath.

I have seen dead and dying people before, and death does not bother me. 

But to be there with her...

To have her look deeply into my eyes, become calm and peaceful, and take her final breath while I knelt at her bedside and held her hand...

To know I was the last thing she saw in this life...

I ache to have her back, to hold her and feel her warmth, to feel her lips against mine...

But I know it can never be.

I mourn for her every minute of every day.

My light has been extinguished.

Normal is gone.

Now I must rally with my family and my boys, and we must build a new normal.  We must move forward with our lives.  To fail to do so would be a dishonor to the memory of the mother, sister and wife who meant so much to us all.

I cannot say she is in a better place, because the best of all places is here at home with her family.  I must take comfort in the knowledge she is no longer in the constant pain that has wracked her body for several years.

I am grateful for the memories.

I have no doubt she knew exactly how I felt about her.  Nothing was ever left unsaid between us.

She will own my heart for eternity.  It is broken, but it will heal.

If there is anything after this life, I hope she finds a warm place to dive and saves a tank for me. It will be a while, but I'll join her there eventually.

Rest easy, love.

You have found peace.

We'll handle it from here...

10 comments:

Tom AK said...

So very sorry for your loss! Stay strong!

Commchick said...

Your family will be in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

-W. said...

Officer Smith,

I am terribly sorry to hear of your loss. I have been reading your blog off and on for years with much respect and have yet to leave a post since I never felt compelled to add to the discussion. I enjoyed getting your perspective on the path of life and left it at that. I don't care if you publish this comment or not, but I wanted to offer a little help if it is possible.

But after losing my father almost exactly one year ago to renal cancer I can't help but post to let you know you are not alone. Cancer does suck. It is a terrible tragedy that ruins so many worthy lives. But stay strong for your family. Stay strong for your wife. But most importantly, stay strong for yourself.

I can't promise things will get easier or better soon. I am still grieving over my father one year later, and I don't expect to stop anytime soon. But I try to live my life in a way that would make him proud. That's all I can do for now.

I am terribly sorry to hear things are not going well now, but I wanted to say that I hope they get better soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

~W

Shannon said...

All of my thoughts and prayers are with you!

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer late last year, I though of Mrs. Smith often and even though you weren't posting much I could feel that she was still fighting.

I had been thinking of you and your family recently and wondering how things were going. I'm so sorry you had to write this post, that anyone has to write a post like this.

Sending you and your boys much love!

Officer Cynical said...

I'm very sorry for your loss, Brother. I hope you find a way to peace. Cancer has touched my wife's family repeatedly, so I dread the thought. Be safe out there.

Jay said...

O S I am so very very sorry to hear of your loss. I know I don’t have any words to comfort you or any that would help but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and in my prayers. You and Mrs Smith have been there since you first mentioned the battle she was facing and I have often thought of you both and hoped for the best.
I lost my Mum to cancer and I hate that disease, I hate it with a vengeance. One day a cure and it can’t come too soon for I want to be in this world when it goes the way of smallpox. I want to dance and celebrate its demise.
You had each other be it all so brief a time on this earth and you still have your kids to hold and hug. Take care of yourself O S as you have taken care of others and know for all it is worth that I will be thinking and praying for you and your family. If there is anything, anything at all that I can possibly do please let me know.

Imamontanalady said...

So sorry for your loss. Am sending out prayers to you and yours for strength and wisdom.

Joi said...

I am so, so sorry to hear this. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Layla said...

I am so very sorry. I'm currently waiting to hear if a close family member has cancer for a third (and this would be final) time, but I honestly cannot imagine if it was a spouse. I can't say I understand, because I do not. I can't say, "It will get better," because I know all too well (from talking to many victims in my previous career) that sometimes it seems to get even worse.

But what I do know is that, in the years I've been reading your blog, you've always been rational, thoughtful, and you see the whole picture. That says more about your character than anything else, and it says that Mrs. Smith left her boys in good hands. And us citizens of California are lucky to have you around.

My most sincere condolences.

Jono said...

Sorry for your loss. Cancer seems to touch all of us eventually. Like Red Green says," I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together."