Tuesday, October 7, 2014
The Post I Don't Want to Write...
I am not ready to write this.
I will never be ready.
On September 30th, my lovely Mrs. Smith was taken forcibly from me by the cancer that had invaded her body at intervals during the past three plus years.
I hate cancer. Cancer is an evil that comes from within.
Mrs. Smith fought valiantly, even when she was tired of fighting. She was determined to not let it get her. She kept her chin up, and her shoulders squared. She fought right up to her final breath.
I have seen dead and dying people before, and death does not bother me.
But to be there with her...
To have her look deeply into my eyes, become calm and peaceful, and take her final breath while I knelt at her bedside and held her hand...
To know I was the last thing she saw in this life...
I ache to have her back, to hold her and feel her warmth, to feel her lips against mine...
But I know it can never be.
I mourn for her every minute of every day.
My light has been extinguished.
Normal is gone.
Now I must rally with my family and my boys, and we must build a new normal. We must move forward with our lives. To fail to do so would be a dishonor to the memory of the mother, sister and wife who meant so much to us all.
I cannot say she is in a better place, because the best of all places is here at home with her family. I must take comfort in the knowledge she is no longer in the constant pain that has wracked her body for several years.
I am grateful for the memories.
I have no doubt she knew exactly how I felt about her. Nothing was ever left unsaid between us.
She will own my heart for eternity. It is broken, but it will heal.
If there is anything after this life, I hope she finds a warm place to dive and saves a tank for me. It will be a while, but I'll join her there eventually.
Rest easy, love.
You have found peace.
We'll handle it from here...