Officer "Smith": Thoughts From Behind the Badge

Take it to Go...

2012-01-17T18:32:00.000-08:00

Moose asked me to take him to Toys R Us today so he could spend a little of his allowance money.

He picked out a small Lego set and carried it up to the cash registers. The guy behind the register rung up his purchase, and Moose handed over his cash. The cashier handed Moose the receipt and asked Moose if he wanted a bag. Moose picked up the Lego box and said...

"Nah. I'll eat it on the way."

The boy is catching on...

Stopping Slowly...

2012-01-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

With your permission, I'm going to occupy a moment of your time to clarify the definition of the word "STOP".

A stop is a complete cessation of motion. As in not moving. Wheels not turning. Do not pass GO. Stopped.

Slowing and stopping are not the same thing. Some people just cannot comprehend this. Five miles per hour? NOT STOPPED. Ten miles per hour? Definitely NOT STOPPED. When the lights come on in your rear view mirror, and you pull over to the side of the road, THEN you are stopped.

At least once per traffic court day, I hear a defendant say "But I stopped. I guess I just didn't stop enough for the officer."

I guess I just didn't stop enough?

A stop is not a quantity. It is a yes or no question. You don't stop more or less. You either stop, or you don't.

Some people even say "I stopped, but I guess it wasn't for three seconds." I still have not been able to figure out where people get the notion that they are required to stop for three seconds. There is no time limit on a stop. All that is required is that you actually do STOP, then you may proceed when it's safe to do so. That may be right away, or it could be a long time while you're waiting for cross traffic to clear. If you stop for the proverbial three seconds then you pull out in front of a car you may as well have not stopped at all. On the other hand, if you stop for a split second and there is no cross traffic, you can go. You don't have to wait three seconds.

Then there are the defendants who ask the officer if he / she saw their brake lights. When the officer says "yes", the defendant will latch onto this and insist that if the officer saw their brake lights they MUST have stopped. I'm sure this will come as a complete shock to some, but simply stepping on the brake does not equal a stop. The brake lights come on when you step on the brake pedal, not when you stop.

Everybody's heard of the copper who stopped the guy for running a stop sign. The driver says "I stopped." The copper says "Sir, you slowed but you most certainly did not stop." Driver says "It's the same thing." So the copper has the guy step out of the car and starts whacking his knees with a baton, then the copper says "Now sir, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"

It's a tired old story, but I still can't think of a better demonstration of the difference between stopping and slowing down. Also, it's just that. A STORY. I am not condoning this as an ACTUAL way of demonstrating the difference between a slow and a stop. So nobody get their undies in a bunch.

On that note, I think I'll stop...

Peek-a-boo...

2012-01-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

Recently, several drivers have given me shit for not sitting in plain sight.

"You were hiding!"

"That's entrapment!"

"I couldn't see you, so how could you see me?"

What? You want me to sit out where you can see me so you can stop breaking the law before I catch you? Not likely. Sitting a bit off the beaten path is one of the primary tools I use in my business.

People say "hiding" like it's a bad thing. I prefer to think of it as "creative positioning". I'm not hiding from anybody, I'm just parking in a place that's not directly in front of them. Everyone else in the area can see me just fine. Funny thing how I can look over their shoulder and see them on that cell phone, and they never even notice I'm there until I ride up to their window.

As for entrapment, I do not entice people to do things they wouldn't normally do. They take care of that just fine on their own.

The bottom line is, I don't want to know how you're going to drive when there's a cop next to you. Everyone is on their best behavior then. I want to know how you're going to drive when you DON'T know there's a copper there.

So, don't blame me for your mistake. Don't try to turn the situation around to be my fault. YOU chose to drive without a seatbelt. YOU chose to drive too damned fast. YOU chose to hold your cell phone while you were driving. I just happened to be there to see it.

Grow up and learn to accept responsibility for your own actions instead of blaming me because you didn't see me until I caught you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to participate in some "creative positioning"...

You Need to Get a Life...

2012-01-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

I actually had a driver say that to me today as she signed my citation. Can you believe it?

Actually it's not all that uncommon for police officers to hear such things. People regularly tell me to "get a life", "find something better to do", "go harass some real criminals", or that I'm on a "power trip or "just trying to be macho".

To those who would say such things, I say this. I have a life, thanks very much. My life just so happens to include a profession that involves writing tickets when I see drivers committing minor indiscretions in my presence, or simply outright ignoring the laws I am sworn to uphold. Unfortunately for you, that means I don't have anything better to do at the moment, since you have gone and drawn my attention to yourself. And believe me, if I happen to see a real criminal roll by at the same time I see you violating the vehicle code, I'll be sure to go harass him or her instead of stopping and citing you. Too bad there weren't any real criminals around when you decided it would be a good idea to run that red light, eh?

But the best part of today's stop was at the end. After telling me I write too many tickets, and I need to get a life and find something better to do, she signed the citation, handed me back my cite book and left me with this scathing parting shot.

"There. Now go get back on your little motorcycle and go write some more tickets."

Thank you. I think I'll do just that...

Well, That's a First...

2011-12-31T11:53:00.000-08:00

My partner and I (in uniform) recently walked into a local eatery for lunch, chose a table and sat down.

There were two guys sitting at the next table. They had been talking when we walked in but they stopped and sat in silence when we sat down at the table next to theirs.

After a few minutes of silence, they got up, picked up their food and moved to another table on the other side of the restaurant.

I had to sniff my pits to make sure I didn't stink...

Questions and Musings...

2011-12-28T00:59:00.000-08:00

In America, we don't dare refer to a black person as a "black" person. It's not considered to be politically correct. They want to be called "African American", even if they were born and raised here in America, and have never been out of the country, much less to Africa.

So the thought occurred to me to ask a question of my brethren (and sistren) from locales other than these here United States of America.

In your respective countries, what do black people call themselves? Are there such things as "African Canadians"? "African English"? "African Japanese"?

For that matter, do you gave any other groups who practice any similar name games?

Just curious...

Reason #538 Why Officer Smith Should Not Be a Marriage Counselor...

2011-12-26T14:21:00.000-08:00

While I was in a recent training class, one of the other guys in the class was texting to his wife about how he had just struck a deal via Craig's List to trade his quad that he never uses for a sweet, tricked out golf cart to use at the time share.

His wife sent back "That's great. Thanks for including me in your decision."

Without thinking, I snapped off with "Tell her you're welcome."

I swear I'm going to ruin a marriage someday.

At least it won't be mine...

Eleven Rules Your Kids Will Not Learn in School...

2011-12-22T15:51:00.000-08:00

Rule #1

Life is not fair - Get used to it!

Rule #2

The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before it will let you feel good about yourself.

Rule #3

You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a company car until you EARN both.

Rule #4

If you think your teachers and your parents are tough, wait 'til you get a BOSS.

Rule #5

Flipping burgers is NOT beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for flipping burgers. They called it OPPORTUNITY.

Rule #6

If you screw up, it is NOT your parents' fault. So don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule #7

Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying YOUR bills, cleaning YOUR clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So, before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule #8

Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they will give you as many tries as you want to get the right answer. Keep in mind that this does not bear the SLIGHTEST resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule #9

Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you "find yourself". Do that on your own time.

Rule #10

Television is NOT REAL LIFE. In real life people actually have to leave the bar or the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule #11

Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you'll end up working for one.

What I'm Doing Now...

2011-12-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

So.

It's been about seven and a half months since my world was rocked to its very foundation. Seven and a half months of finding out my wife has cancer, finding out it had spread to a lymph node, finding out it had metastasized and gone into liver and bone, going through two different chemotherapy regiments, waiting...

wondering...

The first PET scan back in May showed her insides lit up like a Christmas tree. There were little pinpoints of disease throughout her spine, several spots in her ribs, the insides of her hip bones, and two spots on her liver. And that was not even including the breast part of the breast cancer.

After six treatments during participation in a clinical trial the determination was made that the chemo was working very well on most of the cancer, but there were parts that were still growing and not responding to the chemo. That chemotherapy went out the window, and a new one took it's place.

After six more treatments of the new stuff, it was time for a second PET scan to evaluate her response to the treatments.

When we went to the doctor appointment to see the results of the scan, I was amazed. It was clear that the chemotherapy had not completely gotten rid of the cancer, but all the little pinpoints were gone. The stuff in her hips was gone. The only parts left were a spot in one rib and one other small spot. Those are now being treated with radiation.

It's still scary as hell to think about. Metastatic cancer doesn't go away. It's never cured. But it can be beaten back to a point that you can live a mostly normal life. There are medications to keep it tamed. But, there will always be regular doctor's appointments and MRI's. There's always the possibility the cancer will show itself again. If it does, the process starts over again.

What it all boils down to though, is this...

For Christmas this year, I get to keep my wife.

Victor! Are You Still Alive?

2011-12-05T21:43:00.000-08:00

YES, I'm still alive.

Fans of The Secret Show will get the reference.

I am still alive. As is the Mrs.

An update post will be forthcoming in the next couple weeks. A lot has happened, but I am itching to get back in the saddle here.

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of the Officer Smith saga...

Indefinite Hiatus...

2011-05-28T14:29:00.000-07:00

For reasons known to some of you, I have not had the energy, time, desire or inspiration to post anything on this blog in a while. Now the reasons will be crystal clear to anyone who cares to read. Yes, this will likely give me away to anyone who reads this and knows me, but hasn't yet figured out it's me writing it. But some things are more important than total anonymity.

In late April, my lovely wife Mrs. "Smith" was diagnosed with Metastatic (Stage IV or Advanced) Breast Cancer. We have been on a roller coaster ride since learning of this, as the news has come to us in stages.

We first learned there was something suspicious on her mammogram. Then they did a second mammogram, an ultrasound and a biopsy. A few days later we learned it was cancerous and had spread to a lymph node in her armpit. About a week after that, we got a call to tell us the cancer had metastasized and spread to a small spot on her liver and a small spot on one vertebra. About a week after that, we saw the results of the PET/CT scan. We finally knew the disease was in bone, in quite a few places.

The best news we received was that it is not in her brain. Thank God for that.

To look at her, you can't even tell she has cancer, let alone something so advanced. It still blows my mind. The only symptoms she has are fatigue and back pain.

Needless to say, my mind has been going to some pretty dark and evil places over the past few weeks, and a lot of my energy has been going toward pulling myself out of this pit and bringing back the optimistic thoughts.

Because of all this, I will not likely be posting anything new on here in the near future. There are more important things in life than a blog. Namely, taking care of the missus and keeping her in good spirits.

My wife is a fighter of the highest caliber, and she is determined to beat this thing into remission and stay with me for many years to come. I am determined to help her do it. She is handling this whole experience with incredible grace and poise. Yes, she has cried a few times. She has gotten angry. But she hasn't let it completely overwhelm her. She knows if she just lays down and lets the cancer take over, it wins. She knows what she needs to do, and she just does it. As I have told her a few times recently, she's "my fucking hero".

She has one hell of a support network behind her, and she gets way more support than I would be able to give her by myself. Aside from family, friends and my co-workers, she also has a network of friends through Policewives.org. This group of ladies (and at least one fellow) has been a HUGE boost to her morale.

Mrs. Smith joined the group in 2008, and has since made many friends there. I have found it to be a community much like the one among police officers. I mean, why not? They're all married to coppers, so it only makes sense. Police wives have a connection that runs just as deep as the one we have as police officers. I recommend all police wives at least take a look at the site. It's a great support system for all things related to being married to this job, and you really don't want to wait until some bad shit happens to get on the site. Having the friendships beforehand has been absolutely invaluable to the missus.

Back to the point though, chemotherapy will start soon and I'm sure I will have even less time to sit here on the computer. I do not plan on giving regular status reports here related to my wife's condition. I may post something about the results of treatment, but I will not be posting weekly or even monthly updates. Please don't ask.

As a sort of side note to any women who may read this blog, do me and yourself a favor. Check yourself regularly. Don't be shy. Feel yourself up. Squeeze those boobies. You'll thank yourself for doing it if you never have to go through what Mrs. "Smith" is going through now.

Anyway, for those who are so inclined, please keep Mrs. "Smith" in your prayers. For those who are NOT so inclined, at least send some positive thoughts and energy her way.

So, with all that said, I guess this is it for a while. Hopefully this will just be a brief intermission between acts in the comedy/drama/thriller that is Officer Smith.

See y'all later, and stay safe.

It's a jungle out there...

MOVE!! Get out tha way, get out tha way, get out tha way...

2011-04-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

It happens nearly every day on the freeway in these parts. Two cars will make light contact, usually between a front bumper and a rear bumper, and some very minor damage will result.

What I don't understand is the all too common reaction by the drivers of these vehicles. They stop. Right there in the middle of the fast lane. They get out of their cars, stand on the freeway and either exchange information or wait for the Highway Patrol.

What they don't do is MOVE THE CARS TO THE SHOULDER SO EVERYONE ELSE CAN KEEP MOVING!
If there are no injuries and the vehicles are driveable, there is NO REASON to leave them in the roadway and back traffic up for miles.

If there are no injuries, the police will take no measurements. Really, there's no need for the police to come out at all. Exchange information and get on with it. Just don't do it in the traffic lane.

So MOVE!

Success...

2011-04-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Success is when the DEFENSE attorney reads a report you wrote and says...

"That's good police work."

I got nothin'...

2011-04-04T18:40:00.000-07:00

It has been over a month since I've had anything worthwhile to post on here. I don't know about y'all, but I get tired of posting the same rehashed stories over and over again.

It really doesn't seem fair to my readers to keep checking back and find I haven't posted anything.

Not only that, but when I re-read my recent posts, I think I sound like a bitchy old hag. And that's not me.

Maybe it's time to hang it up.

I dunno.

Alarming Advice

2011-02-26T10:39:00.000-08:00

If you are smart enough to have an alarm system installed in your house, kudos to you. All I ask is that you PLEASE have an OUTDOOR bell or siren installed as well. Most of your alarm companies will discourage this saying it's not necessary. I'm here to tell you it is.

If you don't have an outside bell and someone breaks into your house, here's what happens. The bad guy opens a door or window, thereby tripping the alarm contact. The alarm system makes a little bit of noise at the keypad (where you arm and disarm the thing), but no noise outside the house. The alarm system sends a signal to the alarm company, who then contact your local police. The police dispatchers assign the call to an officer, me, and I make my way across town to your house to check on your alarm. This all takes time, and time is something you do not want a burglar to have. Let's try this scenario again, this time with an outdoor bell.

The bad guy opens the same door or window, again tripping the alarm contact. THE OUTSIDE BELL STARTS RINGING! While the alarm system is calling the alarm company is calling the police is calling me...... YOUR NOSY NEIGHBORS ARE LOOKING AT YOUR HOUSE TO SEE WHAT'S WRONG! Make sense?

The biggest excuse I hear for not having an outdoor bell or siren is that people don't want to annoy their neighbors with false alarms. If your alarm system regularly has false alarms, contact your alarm company because something is wrong with the system. Get it fixed and get that bell installed at the same time.

Please understand, it takes TIME for your alarm detail to get through the maze of calls and dispatching. Depending upon how busy we are dealing with serious crimes, we may not get to your house for several hours only to find that half your property is in the wind.

Do me, and yourself, a favor. Let your neighbors hear your alarm.

Call in the Cavalry!

2011-02-14T09:41:00.000-08:00

When you're in a pinch and someone decides to fight, or run, or somehow struggle with you, the best sound in the world is the sound of your partners' sirens coming for you. It's like music.

The Big Game...

2011-02-07T10:45:00.000-08:00

I love my country, our flag and the National Anthem, but I must say...

My favorite part of Superbowl XLV was when the F/A-18's flew over and drowned out Christina Aguilera.

The National Anthem is not a forum for theatrics. It is not a time to show off your singing skills, or lack thereof. It is to be sung as it was written. Like Lyle Lovett did it at the World Series.

I'd like to see someone throw a bunch of trill and tremolo into O' Canada. They'd likely be booed out of the stadium.

Or sing a stylized version of the Russian national anthem. If you're lucky you won't be taken out back and shot.

I vote for Huey Lewis and the News for next year's Superbowl. I've heard them sing the National Anthem before, and they do it right...

Mechanism of Injury...

2011-02-03T20:47:00.000-08:00

I was standing at a collision scene today, chatting with one of our Smithville firefighters while I waited for a tow. There was some pretty major damage to the vehicle in front of us. We were discussing assorted topics until there was a lull in the conversation.

Then he said it.

"That's some mechanism of injury right there."

We both started cracking up.

Then I began to wonder if we were laughing for the same reason.

Maybe he reads Motorcop and Happy Medic too...

Give me a Brake...

2011-02-03T14:05:00.000-08:00

I think some drivers around these here parts need an occasional reminder that the brake pedal in their vehicle is the big rectangular one in the middle, not the long skinny one on the right.

I have been taking an inordinate number of collisions where some little old lady / little old man mistakes the gas for the brake, sending their cars careening through parking lots, down streets or up driveways, usually coming to a stop only because of the irresistible force of a fixed object such as a building.

I'm almost out of driver re-examination forms...

But, It's Not My Fault...

2011-01-31T08:54:00.000-08:00

Ahh, yes. Yet another example of a driver unwilling to accept responsibility for their own poor decisions.

A fellow came to court this morning to contest his ticket for an illegal turn. After the officer gave his testimony, and the defendant gave his testimony, he was found guilty.

Only after the officer left the courtroom did the guy start off on a rant about how the roadway was in poor condition (which it wasn't), was full of potholes (where there are none), and the roadway markings were worn to the point of being almost non-existent (although they are about three years old and still look almost new).

Then he went on to gripe that the city needs to maintain the roads better, and keep the markings visible, and he "knows the city needs money, but" he should not be held responsible for the negligence of the city in not maintaining the roadway.

The first problem I have with this, is that the defendant was standing there in court, under oath, lying his sorry ass off. The road way in question was paved three years ago, has no potholes and is in nearly PERFECT condition. There is not a pothole to be seen for miles. When the road was paved, it was also PAINTED. The roadway markings are absolutely visible.

Secondly, if a defendant wants to come in to court and blame someone else for their poor driving skills perhaps they should do their homework. Why? Because the roadway in question just so happens to be a State Route.

Know what that means?

That means Smithville is not responsible for the pavement condition, markings, lighting, signage, etc. on that highway. If he had a righteous gripe about the condition of the roadway, which he didn't, he would have to bitch about the California Department of Transportation, not Smithville public works.

If a driver chooses to turn in a place where the roadway markings and signage CLEARLY prohibit that turn, and said driver does it right in front of a cop and gets a ticket, that driver needs to just suck it up, realize they screwed up and got caught, and move on with their life. Pay the fine, take the traffic school if you're eligible, and get on with it.

I have said it before, and I'll say it again. PEOPLE NEED TO REMEMBER HOW TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS! Quit trying to blame the municipality, the other driver who "cut you off and made you speed", or the copper who wrote you the ticket. Nobody made you do what you did. You handled that all by yourself.

Now, quit yer bitchin'...

You Can't Judge a Book by its Cover...

2011-01-16T18:42:00.000-08:00

I'd ask you to close your eyes and visualize with me, but that would probably not be a very effective method in this here forum. Instead, I'll simply ask you to visualize. I went to Safeway yesterday to pick up a bottle of rum and a bottle of vodka for a barbecue we were having last night. It's my weekend so I was unshaven. I was wearing an older pair of jeans and an un-tucked shirt to conceal my gun.

As I walked into the store, I grabbed a couple of the free papers (incidentally, they were Employment Guides) to use in the charcoal chimney and tossed them in my basket. I went and picked out the bottles and grabbed a lime and some butter, then I made my way to the register to pay.

When I got to the cashier and took the stuff out of my basket, the woman in line behind me looked at the bottles and the paper, then looked me over and turned her nose up.

She must have thought I was some unemployed alcoholic from the looks of me. Her look of contempt was somewhere between humorous and sad.

Imagine the look on her face when she saw me driving across the parking lot with Fucking Hostile coming out of my stereo in the truck.

Priceless...

Dad of the Year...

2011-01-12T14:05:00.000-08:00

This story begins way back in early 2010. Picture your humble Officer sitting in one of his favorite duck blinds, when what should appear but a driver on his cell phone yacking merrily away.

Well, of course this calls for a ticket, so away we go after who will soon become Dad of the Year.

When Dad slowed down in traffic, the officer rode right up to his driver's window, and from 4 feet away could clearly see the blue and silver flip phone in his hand, held to his left ear.

Bingo. The lights go on and the siren sounds, and Dad puts his phone in the center console as he pulls to the curb.

Officer Smith swaggers (okay, so I embellish a bit. Call it artistic license...) to the window, greets the driver and his teen son, and explains the reason for the contact.

When asked what his emergency was that justified using his phone in a non hands free format, Dad's knee-jerk response is "I wasn't on the phone."

Not one to deny any driver the benefit of the doubt, the good Officer informs Dad of the aforementioned 4 foot distance from the violation, and even describes the phone and its present location in the console.

Dad refused to admit his indiscretion, arguing til the end that the officer did not see what he saw. He did, however, sign the ticket and continue on his way.

Fast forward, now, to early January 2011. Officer Smith and Dad of the Year appear in traffic court for the previously issued citation.

When it's Dad's turn to talk, he again insists that he was not on the phone, and now says he doesn't even OWN a cell phone. As if that's not enough, next he calls his teenage son as a witness, and has him tell the judge Dad wasn't on the phone.

Way to go, Schmuck. You just taught your kid it's okay to violate the law, it's fine to lie to the police when you get caught, it's acceptable to lie under oath in court, and it's encouraged to lie for someone else in court. All because you didn't want to pay the fine for what you and I both know you are guilty of. And you STILL had to pay it.

And we wonder why kids have no respect for the police, an inordinate sense of entitlement, and no sense of responsibility.

Good job, chump...

Can't Win for Losing...

2011-01-09T17:21:00.001-08:00

An interesting quandary exists for police officers as a whole. To cite, or not to cite...

Alas, that IS the question.

If I stop a driver for some violation of the law, I have basically two options available to me. I can release that person with a simple verbal reprimand similar to "Don't do that again". Or, I can bring some form of legal action against that person.

Whether I do or do not elect to cite a given driver is ultimately determined by several factors, such as the seriousness of the violation, the driver's attitude toward me, how seriously THEY take the violation, the number of complaints from citizens regarding that particular violation, the number of collisions at that location and/or with that violation as a primary collision factor, and the list keeps going, and going, and...

One KEY factor in my decision is how the public is going to perceive MY ACTIONS after the fact.

If I choose to warn the driver, and tell him or her to have a nice day, and that person LEARNS from the warning, doesn't continue to drive like an ass-hat, and doesn't crash as a result of their continued behavior, all is well.

If I choose to warn the driver, and that person CONTINUES the behavior for which I elected not to cite them, later resulting in a collision, injury or death, all is far from well. The next question to arise is "Why didn't the officer write the driver a ticket?"

The knee jerk reaction when the average member of the public finds out the driver who just killed the kid/mom/veteran/etc. was NOT CITED for their poor driving habits is to say that "It probably wouldn't have happened if the police had done their job." Of course, the driver should have slowed down. Had he gotten a ticket instead of a warning, he might have.

It doesn't always work like that. If I had a dollar for every driver I have ever cited for the same violation, in the same location, on more that one occasion, I'd be at least a few bucks richer.

On the other hand, if I choose to cite the driver I have to deal with the same folks saying "The officer just cited him to generate revenue for the city" or "The officer just cited him because he's (insert race, creed, religion, sexual orientation here)" or "The officer is just mean."

Of course it is not logical to think that perhaps I issue citations in an effort to educate the motoring public on how to safely and properly operate their vehicles. No. I can't be issuing citations because I believe the fastest way to affect someone's driving style is to impact their pocketbook.

It must be because I'm mean spirited. It must be because I'm racist. It must be because the city needs money. Right?

Whether I decide to cite a driver or not, I will inevitably hear someone bitch about it. Not that I really care when they bitch. It just shows me their true colors.

My personal habit is to cite the vast majority of drivers I stop. Mainly, this is because if I have stopped you I am 100% certain of what I saw you do and that YOU are the person I saw do it. I choose this route as much to cover my own ass as to educate the motoring public.

Don't like it? Don't drive like an asshole in Smithville.

Or, don't drive at all...

Do Not Pluck With Me...

2011-01-05T08:38:00.000-08:00

I just watched a wild turkey squaring off with a Jeep Cherokee...

And the turkey was winning.

Eventually, the car drove around the turkey...

But then the turkey ruffled up his tail and chased the car!

Cocky little bastard...

Driving Me Crazy...

2011-01-02T18:46:00.000-08:00

I had the good fortune to attend a training class recently that required me to drive several hundred miles to and from the training site. While driving there and back, I noted several different types of drivers on the road. To pass the time I started coming up with names for them.

Here are some...

The Leap Frog

This guy would ride in the left lane, right beside a big rig, for a mile or so. He'd just barely have enough speed to pass the truck, but as soon as he got clear of the front of the truck he'd zoom ahead at 80+ until he got beside another truck. Then he'd slow down again. I couldn't tell if he was doing it to piss people off, or he was afraid to pass the truck. I don't know about you, but I pass trucks as quick as I can. I don't like riding beside them.

The Speed Freak

This is the guy who does 100 MPH while weaving in and out of traffic in both lanes. If anyone gets in his way, he rides two feet off their rear bumper until they move over, then it's back to 100.

The Gas Police

This is the guy, often in a Prius, who does EXACTLY 55 MPH. Often in the left lane. People stacked up behind him? Why would he care? He's saving gas for himself and everyone else, whether they want their gas saved or not.

The Daredevil

This is the guy who will slide into a space between two other cars, even if there's not room for him to do so. He will tailgate, he will speed, he does it all. This person will often also be a Speed Freak.

The Wanderer

This is the guy who can't maintain a steady speed. He'll be cruising along merrily at 80 MPH, then he'll gradually slow, usually over several miles, to 60 or so. As soon as he realizes he's going so slow, he'll punch it back up to 80 again.

The Gater

This is the idiot who runs right up your tailpipe while you're trying to pass another vehicle, then when you move over out of his way he either moves over behind you and continues to tailgate, or stays where he was but refuses to pass you. All the while, the tailgate-ee is wondering why that idiot was tailgating them in the first place.

The Winner (A.K.A. First Place)

This fellow had me on edge for a good fifteen miles. He was cruising along in the left lane at 65 MPH. The speed limit on that particular highway was 70. Any time someone would try to move right and pass him, this jack-wagon would speed up and not let the other car get past him. This would continue until they caught up to some slower moving vehicle, usually a truck, at which point the "Winner" would slow back down to 65. This dude was REALLY not making any friends that day, as I watched no less than 8 cars try to pass him over the aforementioned fifteen miles. Each one was treated to his theatrics. How DARE anyone try to get ahead of HIM!

All this made me wonder if driver training has changed in the 20+ years I have been driving. I don't recall any of this behavior being encouraged, or for that matter even tolerated when I started driving. It seems to be a more recent development.

21st century driving I suppose...

DSL No More...

2010-12-31T12:42:00.001-08:00

Well... It's been awhile, thanks to my (former) DSL provider.

My DSL service went down...

Again...

I am now with a new internet provider, and hopefully if the need should arise for me to call tech support I will not be calling Mumbai or Bangladesh.

Sorry for the lack of posts, AGAIN!, but all is once again well.

A Royal Slap in the Face...

2010-12-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

It really spins me out when people insinuate that I, or other police officers for that matter, am doing something wrong because I am doing something they cannot do. Especially when they use catch phrases like "above the law".

Whether it be driving without a seatbelt (which I don't do), talking on a cell phone while driving, driving above the posted speed limit, or whatever.

The problem is that these people are not police officers, have not the slightest idea how my job is done, and can't be bothered to find out. They also generally don't care to hear my explanation for what they have seen. They just feel like if I am doing something it is not legal for them to do, I must be wrong.

I'm sure it never occurred to them that I might be driving a little fast because I'm going to an in progress crime that doesn't rise to the level of requiring a code 3 response. Surely they haven't considered I might be talking on my cell phone because I'm checking someone for warrants and I personally know that person has a scanner in his car. No. I must just be doing it because I can.

Some folks are just not happy unless they are complaining about the police.

My normal response to folks like this (in forums other than this blog) is to invite them to come in for a ride along so they can see what my job involves.

I've never had anyone take me up on the offer.

Go figure...

You're #1...

2010-12-04T16:36:00.000-08:00

Ahh yes. My old driving companion.

People call you by many names. The left lane, the passing lane, the fast lane.

It pains me to see people abuse you the way they do. Folks these days ignore the fact that you are meant for a specific purpose. Passing a slower moving vehicle or vehicles.

You are not to be cruised in. And you are CERTAINLY not to be used by the ass-hat who chooses to go 20 MPH SLOWER than everyone else around him.

You are not to be used by trucks. You are not to be used by buses.

My old friend, people have forgotten the bygone era in which you were empty for miles, only used for brief moments by those of us who caught up to a driver who was traveling slower than we. I could move into your loving embrace, make my passing maneuver and move back out into your neighboring lane, thereby allowing anyone who might be going faster than me to pass me in the same manner.

Alas, it pains me to see the abuse heaped upon you, left lane. You suffer such abuse from the humble Prius, whose driver insists upon traveling at 55 miles per hour no matter how long the line of cars behind. Ach, and the little old lady from Pasadena who thinks you are her personal lane to do with as she wishes, no matter whom she pisses off in the process.

Oh, poor fast lane. I regret that things will never be the same between us. But it is not your fault.

It's not you, it's me.

I can't stand to be stuck behind such slow-pokes. Instead, I usually drive with your lovely sister, the country back road. I did not choose her because she is more beautiful than you are, although she is. I chose her simply because she allows me to keep moving at a steady speed (most of the time) without the stop and go that you are burdened with.

Alas, my old traveling companion, we do not see each other as much as we once did. I will continue to drop in from time to time, but it will usually be when I'm on a long trip and away from that ugly traffic that scars your hide.

I just ask that you remember one thing, oh fast lane...

To me, you will always be number one...

Thank God for EVOC...

2010-11-24T22:55:00.000-08:00

...and my cat-like reflexes.

I nearly had a black SUV for dinner this evening on my way home.

As I was cruising along the highway at about 60 MPH, in the left lane I might add, the jackass driver of the aforementioned SUV pulled from my right off of a side road. DIRECTLY INTO MY LANE!

I was once again reminded that it is QUITE possible to lock ABS brakes if you try hard enough, which I did. Fortunately, since I drive a pickup truck only the rear wheels locked up (and only very briefly). I was able to steer around to the right of the HUA (that's Head Up Ass) idiot and sit right outside his passenger window as we started up the hill.

If that ass hat happens to be reading this, yes, you read my lips correctly. I actually did say "What kind of fuck-tard maneuver was that!?"

Then, whilst on my way to the local Liquor Barn, I was once again assaulted (but not battered) by a second HUA driver. I was stopped in the two-way turn pocket (with my left turn signal on of course) waiting for traffic to clear so I could turn in to the driveway. Soon as traffic cleared and I stepped on the gas pedal, some little prick in a black Honda scooted out of the driveway I was trying to turn in to and made a left turn about two feet from my front bumper.

Once again, only my quick braking action prevented a collision.

Having barely avoided two collisions in less than an hour, I finally decided it was time for me to stop driving for the day.

For some reason I just seem to be an asshole magnet today. I think it's best I stay off the road.

Maybe next time I should just hit 'em...

Hands Free...

2010-11-19T18:49:00.000-08:00

I am not sure exactly what is so difficult to understand about that.

It means exactly what it says. Your HANDS must remain FREE of your cell phone.

Many of the drivers I stop think as long as the phone is not up to their ear they are in compliance with the law. Perhaps if it was an "ears free" law that would be true. Unfortunately for most, holding your speaker phone in your hand does not rise to the level of hands free.

Another excuse that always elicits further discussion from me is "but I wasn't talking. I was just listening to a message."

Ahhh. I see. Unfortunately for you, you were doing so whilst holding your phone in your hand. Thus, you were not hands free.

The basic premise of the hands-free cell phone law in California is that the legislature decided it would be safer if we all drove with, get this, OUR HANDS ON THE STEERING WHEEL.

Go figure, right?

They did not come to this conclusion on a whim. They did not pull this law out of their collective ass. They researched records of collisions over the previous several years and noticed a trend. A lot of people were getting in crashes while using their cell phone.

Now you, like many a driver I stop, may say "But I've been talking and driving for YEARS and never crashed."

To this I say, lucky you. I do not buy the idea that you are exceptionally skilled at driving with one hand (or a knee) while carrying on a cell phone conversation with the other. You are simply lucky. I'm sure you don't think about the times you have NEARLY crashed, because they don't affect your driving record.

Unfortunately for the "skilled", the unskilled and untalented have tainted the record for you. As with many other laws enacted by this state, the many have been restricted because of the actions of the few. Still, it is no less illegal.

So please, do me a favor...

Hang up and drive...

Kids...

2010-11-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

I have long been of the opinion that crappy parenting plays a large part in the disobedience, lawlessness and general thug mentality of our youth these days. Recent events have brought me to doubt that just a little bit.

I have seen some kids who I know were raised better than they act. I have friends who have teens and twenty-somethings who are total shitheads, even though I have known these kids since they were knee-high to a grasshopper and I KNOW that is not how they were raised.

Now, I am faced with the unenviable circumstance of having a child living in my household who refuses to obey any of the adults in his life, refuses to comply with his teachers, and generally thinks his shit smells like English Lavender.

In this case I PERSONALLY know he was not raised in such a manner.

I am truly at a loss...

Yes, Goddammit, I DID Say That...

2010-11-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

Time was running short this evening, and dinner (such as it was) was courtesy of McDonald's.

I went to our local McD to pick it up. When I approached the counter, my first clue that this was not going to be a pleasant outing should have been the fact that English was not the first language of the young lady behind the counter.

I ordered a regular sized number three, a regular sized number two, and a LARGE number nine. She gave me the total without repeating my order, which I should have caught, and handed me the receipt to sign for the credit card purchase.

I looked over the receipt and noticed all three meals were REGULAR size.

I informed the young lady that one of my meals should have been LARGE.

She replied "You didn't say that."

Excuse me? Did I not hear myself correctly? I am most certain that I said a LARGE number nine.

Customer service was obviously not her strong suit. When I worked retail, if I didn't hear someone say something, my reply was "I guess I missed that, I'm sorry" or "Ooops, I didn't hear that. Let me fix it."

I certainly never told a customer "You didn't say that."

The second clue came when I ordered a Caesar salad, and she asked me what kind of dressing I wanted. Huh? It's a CAESAR SALAD! What kind of dressing do you THINK I want? How about CAESAR DRESSING?!

Then to get home and realize I had been shorted a large french fry sealed the deal.

To make myself feel like I had at least accomplished SOMETHING this evening, I went out and brought the trash cans back in from the curb.

Now THAT'S progress...

Another Note on Motorcycles...

2010-11-09T18:34:00.000-08:00

While on my way back into town after the recent Street Vibrations event (which I did not, by the way, attend), my attention was once again drawn to all of the trailer ornaments traveling down the Interstate.

What are trailer ornaments, you ask?

A trailer ornament is a tricked out and very clean motorcycle that is currently being towed down the road on a trailer, as opposed to being ridden.

The owners of such trailer ornamentation can usually be easily spotted when they roll into town astride a spotlessly clean motorcycle, after having purportedly traveled several hundred, or sometimes even several THOUSAND miles.

These guys and gals will not readily tell you they have trailered their bike to the outskirts of town, then unloaded it and ridden it the last half mile or so, but to the trained observer it will be readily apparent from the lack of even a single bug splat on the windscreen, and the complete absence of any evidence of road grime.

You may also notice the rider is devoid of any bugs in his or her teeth, which is also an indicator that they do not truly enjoy riding their iron horse. Even for the half mile from the hotel to the event site.

Many of these are the same folks you may have noticed in your neighborhood, who roll their immaculate Hog out of their garage and into their driveway once a month. Not to ride it, but to wash it, wax it and let it sit in the sun for all the world to see, before returning it to the garage to languish. Such Harleys are also often referred to as garage or driveway ornaments.

Most owners of such ornaments will often erroneously refer to themselves as "bikers".

My impression of the definition of biker, generally requires that you RIDE a motorcycle on a regular basis. Simply owning a large shiny motorcycle does not automatically impart the right to call oneself a "biker". In fact, should this type of individual refer to him or herself as a "biker" whilst in the company of ACTUAL bikers, said "biker" is likely to find him or herself in a "bind".

It is for all of these reasons that I must laugh when I see a motorcycle being hauled down the highway on a trailer.

Dirt bikes excluded, of course...

A Note on Motorcycles...

2010-11-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

This is aimed at the morons who were leaving Reno after Street Vibrations a few weekends ago. I'm just now getting around to posting it, so bear with me...

If I am somewhat in excess of 8 miles from the Interstate, with a mountain ridge in between, and I can hear and recognize your Harley-Davidson exhaust note for what it is...

Your pipes are entirely too goddamned loud.

And don't try to hand me that bullshit "safety" line either.

Just sayin'...

That Was Beautiful...

2010-11-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

During my travels today I stumbled upon a car sitting in a left turn pocket on our main drag, its hazard flashers blinking merrily away.

I busted a quick U-turn and pulled in behind the stalled vehicle.

When I spoke with the embarrassed driver she informed me she had run her car out of gas. She had already called a tow, with an hour ETA.

Our standard operating procedure in Smithville is to get the car out of the roadway fairly quickly, so I radioed to another officer to help me push. I wasn't going to leave her sitting in the middle of the street waiting for a tow truck. Besides, the gas station was just across the intersection.

After we shoved the car into the gas station and were walking back to our vehicles, a woman in a mini-van pulled up to the curb alongside us and told us she had seen what we did.

Even with all the negative emotion directed toward cops around here, this woman thought it a beautiful thing to see us pushing that car out of the way and into the gas station. She was so impressed she felt the need to turn around and come back to tell us so.

It's nice to get a little pat on the back every now and then, and to realize people really do notice the lengths to which we extend ourselves every day. Even if that's NOT why we do the things we do.

This was nothing special or out of the ordinary to the Smithville police. To us it was just another day at work in the customer service industry...

The Consequences of Underage Drinking...

2010-10-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

I was in traffic court this afternoon when an officer from another agency in the region came up to bat. He went through his testimony about seeing the nineteen year old defendant sucking on a can of Bud Light, and how he waltzed over and contacted the defendant, identifying him and confirming he was not of drinking age.

When it was the defendant's turn to speak, he didn't have much to say other than to argue that the ticket was not valid because the officer didn't sign it.

The judge found the defendant guilty, and excused the officer. Then he asked the defendant if he had a driver's license with him today. The defendant replied that he did, and the judge asked him to hand it to the bailiff.

When the traffic commissioner had the defendant's driver license in hand, he informed the poor schmuck that his driving privilege was suspended forthwith, until July of next year.

A gasp went up from the other occupants of the courtroom, and I'm sure I heard a dull thud when the defendant's jaw hit the table.

Even I have never seen that happen.

The moral of the story is this. If you're not 21, you shouldn't be drinking. If you get caught drinking, even if you're nowhere NEAR a car, your license can be suspended by the court.

I, for one, plan to write more underage drinking tickets (meaning issue fewer warnings and pour out less beer) now that I know that.

And it wasn't even for GOOD beer...

Free Kids...

2010-10-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

No, my kids are not up for adoption, even if I do sometimes feel like getting rid of them.

By "Free Kids" I am referring to this

I saw this sign in the window at our local Hollywood Video store a while back. I didn't bother to go inside and inquire as to how I could go about obtaining said "free kids". I have my own, thank you, and I probably didn't want to know anyway.

Imagine my surprise, when a month or two later I saw THIS sign on the same store:

Gee.

Are they closing because they were giving away free kids?

The world may never know...

Road Rage and You...

2010-10-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

While I was riding to work one morning last week, I had the good fortune to notice two guys with WAAAAAYYY more testosterone than the rest of us on the road trying to out do each other because one felt somehow slighted by the other.

The first idiot was driving a white Acura Integra. The second was driving a big ass, jacked up F-250 pickup. While we were taking the interchange from one highway to another, the Integra driver got a little impatient and decided to move out of the left lane and run up the right lane to the front of the pack. As the lanes merged, he rolled on the shoulder and slid in directly in front of the aforementioned big ass pickup.

The pickup driver took apparent offense to this act, and when the entrance / exit lane met up with the highway, he threw on his left turn signal for one quick blink, moved a lane to the left and romped on it, spewing thick black diesel exhaust from his modified tailpipe. Well, mister Integra saw this coming and reacted as any good Integra driver would.

He swerved into the lane in front of the pickup without signaling.

This kept up for about a mile until the pickup truck driver finally got in front of the Integra, after weaving through traffic and almost taking out a half dozen cars and a motorcyclist (thankfully not me). The little boy driving the pickup jumped on the brake pedal and locked up his rear wheels, effectively smoking the Integra out of sight of those behind it. The driver of the Integra had obviously had enough and dove for a nearby exit.

Folks these days just can't let a perceived wrong go unpunished. Somebody cuts them off and they will not quit until they get revenge. They don't give a rat's ass who they hurt, scare or piss off in the process.

I just wish those little boys would save their Johnson Jousting for somewhere other than the goddamned freeway.

I put myself in harm's way enough at work. I don't need that shit while I'm trying to get there...

Make Up My Effing Mind...

2010-10-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

Whilst watching the CBS Evening News this evening, I was particularly incensed by a "news" story regarding the legalization of marijuana in California.

The gist of the story was that the federal government says they will still enforce and prosecute violations of the federal law even if the State of California forbids us, the police, from enforcing them.

When the cameras were taken around San Francisco, most of the people interviewed said "This is not something the federal government should try to regulate. The state should be able to make its own laws regarding the growing, sale and use of marijuana."

The part that spun me out was thinking back a few months to when Arizona passed their immigration law. When the cameras toured San Francisco that time, everyone interviewed said "Arizona can't do that. There are already federal laws in place controlling immigration. The feds should enforce it rather than the state trying to take it over."

I guess what's good for the illegal is not necessarily good for the stoner.

That's just lovely. All we need is a bunch of illegal day laborers with the munchies hanging out in front of Home Depot refusing to work because their "back hurts"...

T-shirt Seen on a Fugly Fat Chick...

2010-09-30T12:08:00.000-07:00

"I'm too pretty to get f*cked from behind"

No, you're not.

And when did a shirt like that become fit for public consumption?

Noche de Regreso a la Escuela...

2010-09-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

I went to back to school night at Moose's school last week. Before we headed to the classrooms we had to go to the multi-purpose room for a presentation by the principal.

Everyone filed in and we all sat down. Most of the parents were talking amongst ourselves while waiting for the shenanigans to start. All but one of the conversations was in English.

The principal made her way to the podium and the gathered parents simmered down so we could hear. The principal began telling us what a great school year this was going to be, and blah, blah, blah...

Imagine my surprise when the principal stopped talking, and the lady next to her started translating everything she just said into Spanish!

You have got to be kidding me!

Are the illegals in this country so powerful, and so unwilling to assimilate, that we now have to sit through a presentation that is TWICE AS LONG so ONE GROUP of FOUR PARENTS who couldn't be bothered to learn English in the seven years they have been here illegally can understand what the principal is saying?

The real kicker was that the "Spanish Club" just sat there babbling away between themselves (in Spanish) and completely ignored the interpreter.

Did California somehow get taken back by Mexico?

Am I missing something?

There was no Portuguese interpreter for the Brazilian parents who don't speak English... No, wait. They did learn English. Never mind.

Okay, there was no Russian translator for the Russian parents... oops, they learned English too.

Well, at least there was no Farsi translator for the... umm, no, they learned English too.

Needless to say, I couldn't believe my ears. I had to get a video of it. When I showed the video to Mrs. Smith later that evening she said "I can't understand it". I said "That's because it's in Spanish."

Her response...

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Oh, how I wish I was kidding...

The Academy (Part Deux)...

2010-09-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

Once again, I was watching The Academy and started yelling at the television.

A recruit was having issues passing a physical agility test, having repeatedly failed the test and all remediation attempts. The camera cut to a scene with the recruit and an RTO walking on the academy grounds with the RTO's arm around the recruit's shoulders as the recruit cried because she was not able to complete the test.

When a recruit had issues in my academy, the RTO may have counseled you, but they did not walk you around and cuddle you while you cried. If you couldn't hack it, you were gone. What is this touchy feely crap? Is this the kinder gentler academy? In the academy I attended we would have been told to pack our trash and go home.

The RTO's are not your buddies!

When you can't hop a fence to save your partner's ass, I assure you I will not be cuddling you. I will be hopping that fence and saving your partner's ass for you. If you're crying because you can't get over the fence, you'll be doing it by yourself.

So much for "reality" TV...

The Academy...

2010-09-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

I'm referring, of course, to the Fox Reality television show The Academy. I was watching this "reality" show recently when something caught my attention.

When the recruits are at the range they start every firing cycle standing "cowboy" with their hand on their gun, milking it to get a good grip. This is apparently the way the LASD teaches its people to shoot.

Isn't the idea to be able to put your hand on your gun WITHOUT WARNING? That's how I was always taught, and how I teach. You start with your hands in front of you where they normally are. Like you're writing in your notebook, or resting your arms across the front of your belt to cover your weapons, or (God forbid) FIGHTING with someone.

Teaching an officer to start a firing cycle with his or her hand on the gun does the officer no favors. If that officer should ever need to draw their firearm quickly, they may spend precious seconds SEARCHING for it because they are so used to already having their hand there to begin with. They also may get used to having time to get a good solid grip before drawing, which is unrealistic. An officer should be able to place his or her hand on their firearm and ALREADY BE in the right position to grip it firmly.

Another side effect of training officers the LASD way, is that they may get so used to having their hand on their gun that they begin walking around with their hand CONSTANTLY on their gun. Many people see this as unnecessarily threatening or intimidating, and I tend to agree. I see it as something I try to avoid.

When the proverbial fecal matter collides with the air circulation device, we depend upon our training and muscle memory to get the job done without a lot of thought. If I have my hands in a different place each time, and I have to reach my hand down to grip my gun and unsnap my holster, I can reliably do so quickly because I always reach to the same place as part of my drawing movement no matter where my hands are to begin with. I can get a good solid shooting grip instantly, and draw within a couple of seconds.

It kinda makes me wonder how many of those kids run around with their holsters unsnapped too...

I'm Gonna Miss This Place...

2010-08-30T18:59:00.000-07:00

This is our "back yard"...

We have lived in this apartment for about seven years. I love our "back yard" forest. You can't quite see the creek below us, but you surely get the idea.

Since we have lived here, we have had a pair of Mallard ducks in the bend in the creek every year. One year we had fish spawning in the deeper part of the bend.

We regularly have squirrels and raccoons in the trees. Today I was watching a red headed woodpecker, several gold finches and house finches, and a juvenile red tail hawk hanging out in the big oak tree on the other side of the creek. Scrub jays and Steller's jays abound.

We've seen egrets, a bobcat, a turtle, deer, possums, and even the occasional wild child roaming in and around our creek.

We even have a resident red-shouldered hawk who hangs out in the tree beside our balcony. At night I hear owls hooting all around, and the occasional coyote up in the nearby hills

This place is great for wildlife watching right outside our back door, and I'll miss it when we finally leave.

For God's Sake...

2010-08-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

I've noticed yet another "interesting" trend of late.

I have run into a number of "African-American" women who claim to be Christian, but their behavior says otherwise.

These are the women who "Jesus Jesus Jesus" all day long, tell you to "Have a blessed day", and have license plates such as LIV4GOD, DEWGOOD, or OWE2GOD on their Lexus, Mercedes or Cadillac. Or IIPRAY4 on their Chevy pickup for that matter...

Yet they drive around with their R&B music so loud you can hear it from 100 feet away, and if you dare to stop them for that or any other violation, they take part in some very "un-christian" behavior. Claiming racism, calling names, etc.

I am familiar with a few of these women who also often drink to extremes, are very un-neighborly to their neighbors, and generally walk all over everyone else.

How can one present oneself as a Christian, then turn around and be a self righteous bitch?

Maybe I'm missing something...

Kids Say the Darndest..... Well.... You Know...

2010-08-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

The scene:

The middle of the forest during a recent camping trip. Tents set up nearby, grill on fire for dinner to be prepared, Moose and Snake sitting in their folding chairs around the campfire, supposedly enjoying a good book or some such.

I walked up behind the Missus and put my chin on her shoulder. I said something to her, although I don't remember exactly what it was. Probably something to the effect of "You have a mosquito on your neck".

I lifted her hair and gave her a little peck on the back of her neck (which always makes her cringe), perhaps accompanied by a quick nibble on the earlobe.

From behind me I hear Snake pipe up with "Geez! Get a tent!"

I was laughing so hard I almost rolled out of the camp site....

Location, Location, Location...

2010-08-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

On our citations, and all citations in California for that matter, there is a box labeled "Location of Violation". This is, as it says, the location where the violation was observed.

For instance, if I see you run a red light at 14th and Main, I fill in that box with "14th / Main".

Pretty straight forward I think. Apparently this causes a great deal of confusion with some defendants as evidenced by the happenings in traffic court this morning.

The officer (not me this time) went up to testify. He gave the usual schpiel about the traffic lights not functioning and flashing four-way red at 14th and Main. He watched as a green Mercedes approached the flashing red lights, slowed to about twenty MPH then accelerated through the intersection without stopping.

When it came time for the defendant to testify, she brought out several pictures and a diagram. All for 19th and Main.

She went through her testimony, insisting she stopped for the flashing red light before turning onto 19th Street from Main, and that the officer was mistaken in his observation of the alleged violation.

When asked for rebuttal, the officer reiterated that the violation occurred at 14TH AND MAIN, not 19TH AND MAIN.

The defendant just could not wrap her head around the fact that the violation occurred at 14th and Main. She insisted the officer saw her stop for the flashing light at 19TH AND MAIN, and then immediately stopped her on 19th.

She simply could not understand that the violation occurred about five blocks prior to where the officer made the enforcement stop. She even went so far as to ARGUE that the violation was NOT at 14th Street as the officer had testified, but at 19th Street where she insisted there was no violation committed.

This is not the first time I've seen a defendant come to court prepared to argue the wrong location, or even the wrong vehicle code section. I'm sure it won't be the last either.

A word of advice to those who are on the receiving end of a citation. Before you come to court, be sure to read the whole citation. Read the violation section. Read the LOCATION OF VIOLATION! Then go and read the vehicle code section involved.

If you can bother yourself to read this stuff, you might just understand that the violation occurred somewhere other than the exact location where you were stopped.

It will make you look like less of an idiot in court...

On Badge Bunnies and Beat Wives...

2010-08-02T02:00:00.000-07:00

Any cop's wife already knows what those terms mean, but for those who don't I'll explain.

A badge bunny is basically a cop groupie. A woman who drools and slobbers all over cops just because they're cops. Oddly, many badge bunnies also happen to be cops themselves.

A beat wife is the woman you, umm... "see" when you're on duty or in the city where you work, and is generally not known to your actual wife. Such a woman can also be known by other names such as girlfriend, side action, or the other woman. Another commonly used name, especially by the actual wife, would be "whore". The keeping of a beat wife is known in other circles as "having an affair" or "getting around".

Okay, so now that that's cleared up...

The first group, the badge bunnies drive me nuts, and not in a good way. They hang around all the places cops can regularly be found and try to pick up on the aforementioned, with no consideration as to the marital status of said coppers. In fact, many badge bunnies think it all the better if their prospect is married and will seek out the ringed left finger.

Badge bunnies often don't take rejection well. I have experienced a few badge bunnies on car stops. A bunny will usually try to convince you not to give them a ticket, then convince you to go meet them for a drink or give you their phone number. Oddly, when they get the cold shoulder (and the hot citation) they generally turn into quite the bitch. I have even heard some cases where a rejected bunny has turned into straight up stalker. I haven't yet experienced this one first hand.

On the other hand, beat wives are a phenomenon that has gone on for many years in my profession. I know for a fact it still goes on today, however I'll not delve into how I know since the statute of limitations is not up on that yet.

What bugs the hell out of me is that these women think nothing of the marriages their targets have (usually) worked so hard to build and maintain. Being married to a police officer is not easy. The odd hours, the shitty sleep patterns, and the constant stress on both halves of the marriage can take their toll. Police wives are some of the most dedicated wives on the planet. It takes a very special type of person to do THAT job.

For the record I personally have not, and do not take part in the chasing of badge bunnies or the keeping of beat wives. Mostly because I love the Missus very much and I have significantly higher moral standards than that, but also because I fear losing parts of my anatomy to which I am both physically and very emotionally attached.

This post was brought about by listening to Mrs. Smith lament over the failed marriages of some of her friends who also happen to be married to cops. The missus has been so troubled by these occurrences that she has even felt the need to ask me on a number of occasions if we're "okay". Not because she is insecure, or weak, or un-trusting. But because it has happened to so bleeding many of her friends.

We're fine. I can't say so much for the others.

Police wives have ways of talking amongst themselves, and I have heard some stories during the past months of some really good cops losing their really good wives because they couldn't keep their wicks dry. So, to all my fellow coppers who read this blog, I ask this of you. When the opportunity arises for you to take part in such extra-marital activities as I have mentioned, do me favor first.

(Plug your ears... err, eyes... kids...)

Think with your head, not with your dick.

I've seen a few too many good marriages destroyed recently because of badge bunnies...

Know When To Say Nothing...

2010-07-30T08:35:00.000-07:00

On days I have traffic court, such as today, I can be found standing in the hallway outside the courtroom with all the other cops and all the defendants waiting for the doors to open. Much as I am right now.

This morning, the line for the court clerk's office is unusually long.

A guy has been standing in the same place, right in front of me as it happens, for about five minutes. After listening to us jaw-jack about the things we wrote our respective defendants for, he decided to mad-dog me and say "This line is too long. Y'all need to stop writing all them tickets."

Well, those who know me will know I just couldn't help myself. I had to inquire, "What's yours for?"

"Speeding."

Oh. Well how about this. Y'all stop speeding, and we'll stop writing all them tickets.

Do people really think we write tickets just to be writing them? Just to make folks stand in line down at the courthouse? Just because I want to practice my block capital letter printing? Really?

Did it ever occur to you that we maybe "write all them tickets" because jack-holes such as yourself lack the aptitude and/or sound judgment to operate a motor vehicle (or bicycle for that matter) safely without being admonished constantly by us?

Probably not, or you wouldn't be standing there in line right now...

Now if you'll pardon me, I gotta go to court...

Smitty Don't Play Dat...

2010-07-22T12:43:00.000-07:00

One sure-fire way to get a ticket from me is to play me for an idiot.

Drivers who try to concoct some bullshit story on the fly, or try to convince me that I didn't really see what I just saw are only begging me to write them a ticket. They must think by telling me I'm wrong I'm somehow obligated to take their word for it and cut 'em loose.

Yeah, not so much.

Recently, I was in the midst of one my normal exercises in futility (I was sitting at one of my newer duck ponds looking for violations) when my attention was drawn to a driver who was talking on her cell phone while it was obviously not being used in a hands free mode. As this driver approached within about 30 feet of me, she suddenly noticed lil' ole me.

One common reaction to the sudden sighting of a police officer by someone who knows they are in violation of the law is to startle and jump involuntarily.

This is precisely what my driver did, then she slid her hand (still holding the aforementioned celly) down her shoulder while trying to not look like she was hiding a cell phone. And failing. Miserably.

So of course, I set off to discuss the nuances of the California vehicle code with her.

Upon stopping the car and contacting the driver the conversation went something along these lines:

Smith: Hi there. I stopped you because you had your phone up to your ear while you were driving. Is there anything you need police, fire or ambulance assistance with?

Driver: No. I wasn't talking on the phone. I NEVER talk on the phone when I'm driving.

Smith: Well, then perhaps you wouldn't mind educating me as to what the shiny metallic red object was you were holding up to your ear while you drove.

Driver: I was playing with my hair.

Smith: Forgive me for noticing, but your hair is neither red nor metallic, and honestly looks nothing like a cell phone. How about I take a look at your license please?

Driver: (rummaging around in her purse) here you go.

Imagine the shocked look that flashed across both our faces when her drivers seat started ringing. After the second ring my driver moved her purse to her left knee (closer to where the ringing was) and returned to rummaging. She then moved her purse and reached down to pick up her cell phone off the floor.

Driver: Oh, I guess it fell out of my purse.

Smith: (somewhat amused by the attempted sleight of hand) Well, a magician you're not. That, however, appears to be a red metallic Motorola Razr you're now holding. I feel like I've seen it somewhere before.

Driver: What? Why?

Smith: Never mind. (if I have to explain that one you need more help than I can give)

Driver: What can I do to prove to you that I wasn't on the phone?

Smith: Not much because I know what I saw, but... I suppose there won't be any calls on your call history?

Driver: I don't think so (opening the call history on the phone).

The driver pulled up the call history and started to show it to me, then changed her mind when we both noticed an incoming call four minutes earlier and an outgoing call one minute before that.

Go figure.

Play me for a fool and I'm more than happy to scratch you out a citation...

I Wish I Could Say "You're Kidding me Right?", but I Can't Because I Know You're Not...

2010-07-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

There are no words for this...

Oh, who the Hell am I kidding. Of COURSE there are words...

Scum sucking, bottom feeding, hypocritical, and one that starts with the letter "N" that I can't use because I'm the wrong color. And that's just to start.

People like this ass are the reason I have no sympathy for the Oscar Grants of the world. People like this heathen piece of shit wait for some "brutha" to die at the hands of a "corrupt cop" so they can scream MURDER even though they have no idea what the word even means, then they'll have an excuse to riot, steal and anything else short of murder.

It had to be some dumb-fuck with twisties and the standard hood-rat uniform of long white t-shirt and six sizes too big jeans. But if I stop someone because they're dressed like that I'm "profiling". Funny how I rarely see anyone dressed like that who's not smoking weed, chugging a stolen Steel Reserve or O.E., robbing someone, or just generally standing in the shadows acting shady.

The truly telling part of the above photo is the fact that this ass is wearing an Oscar Grant mask, presumably to disguise his identity whilst looting the Foot Locker store, but can't be troubled to cover his hands, and is thereby photographed leaving the biggest hand print anyone has probably ever seen on the door mullion of the store.

Hey, OPD, are you listening? Send an ID tech out there and lift that print!

Burglary in the name of Oscar Grant.

Low-life sack of shit...

Somebody's Watching Me...

2010-07-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

Police work has become a spectator sport.

Once upon a time, when folks would see a cop with pistol in hand the inclination used to be to get the hell out of Dodge. Now people don't think of their own safety. They think of what they can post on YouTube or sell to the news.

So, mister cell phone camera dude, I hope you enjoyed recording me standing at the door of a business this morning while I awaited another officer to help with the building search.

Pretty exciting stuff huh?

Oh, Here we Go...

2010-07-02T06:42:00.000-07:00

As the police agencies of the bay area prepare in earnest for the Johannes Mehserle murder trial verdict, several topics cross my mind.

1) Mehserle is white, Grant was black. Had either of those facts been different there would be no uproar. There would be no riots and no accusation of foul play if a black officer had shot a white person. But just because it is what it is there is no way it was anything less than murder in the eyes of the local black community. Why?

2) People will use any excuse to break shit. Funny thing is, most of the rioters arrested last time in Oakland weren't even FROM Oakland. They were from San Francisco, Berkeley and elsewhere. They came to Oakland and tore it up and it's not even their friggin' city! Again, why?

3) When will people of lower socio-economic status bother to educate themselves as to the difference between murder and manslaughter? The people who are calling for a murder conviction believe just because one person kills another it's murder. The problem there is that you have to prove intent, and from everything we have seen and heard during this fiasco, nothing makes it seem as though Mehserle's INTENT was to kill Grant.

Manslaughter can certainly be proved, but there may still be rioting because "It was murder and they let that mutha-fucka off light because he white."

4) Why do the rioters and protesters have to pick on Oakland. Remember, it was a BART cop who shot a guy from Hayward. Just because the station where the incident occurred and BART headquarters both happen to be in Oakland doesn't mean the violence should take over the whole city.

So, as we in the bay prepare for chaos you may not hear from me for a bit. But worry not. As General MacArthur once said...

I shall return...

DSL Down!

2010-06-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

I wonder if there's a ten code for that...

I'd have to call it if there was. My DSL has been dead for over a week now and using the internet on the celly is getting pretty old.

Please AT&T...

Get my phone line connected, will ya?

So Write Me a Ticket Then...

2010-06-18T12:23:00.000-07:00

Those are not the greatest words to utter when a police officer informs you of some seemingly minor transgression you have just commited in his or her presence.

As I was leaving the establishment where I had lunch today I watched a driver turn in to the parking lot across a divided highway. I pointed out that his maneuver was illegal, and that it would behoove him to wait for the traffic signal on any future occasions.

He responded with a huge attitude to show off for his passengers. "Why?" He asked.

I let the 'tude slide for the moment and explained the violation to him in detail. It was then, at that very moment, that he made the decision that sealed his fate.

"So write me a ticket then!"

Well hell, if you insist! Who in hell am I to pass up such an opportunity? Ya' know, all that stuff about looking a gift horse in the mouth? Let's have those license, registration and insurance thingies cops are so fond of asking for.

What's that you say? You don't have a license? Well let me just check on that.

Oh geez! Says here your driving privilege is suspended. That means your van goes with me for thirty days and you and your passengers get to hoof it. Perhaps you should have taken the warning I gave you to begin with and left it at that.

The moral? If a traffic cop gives you a warning, feel very lucky and don't press the issue.

If you do it might make you look like the OTHER end of the horse...

Find Anything Good in There?

2010-06-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

If picking one's nose was illegal, I'd easily write a hundred tickets a day.

Gross, yes, but there is a point.

Whilst sitting at one of my favorite duck ponds this morning looking for the standard cell phone, seatbelt or headphone violations, I began the time honored practice of people watching.

Drivers seem to fall into their own little world when they are safely ensconced in their conveyances. I see drivers picking their teeth, picking their noses, popping zits and all other manner of disgustingness as they travel the roadways of Smithville.

It seems as if people forget that their windows not only allow them to see out, but they also allow others to see IN. Do folks really think nobody's looking while they're stuffing a digit so far into a nostril they are in danger of extracting brain cells?

Then there are the "Karaoke drivers". You know who I'm talking about. These are the roadway rock stars who belt out their favorite song along with the radio, usually off key, and almost always with sufficient emotion to shake their car at a stoplight.

Next time you hear "bump" coming from the car next door, look over. You may see the hand bouncing back and forth while "Run GMC" tries to emulate his favorite rapper. Or it could be "Mariah Car-ey" trying to hit Mariah Carey's impossible notes and causing every dog in the hood to howl.

I see people holding a burger in one hand and a drink in the other while steering with their knee. I see people shaving, putting on makeup and reading the newspaper, sometimes all at once.

It's really amazing how people do things in their car surrounded by total strangers they would think twice about doing in the company of friends. If you don't people watch, you should.

Free entertainment doesn't get much better...

Turn, Turn, Turn...

2010-06-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

We have a few intersections in town where two lanes turn in the same direction. For example on a certain three lane road, if you're in the left lane you must turn left and if you're in either of the two right hand lanes, you have to turn right.

There are Bott's dots lines in the intersection indicating to drivers that they are supposed to stay in their respective lanes during the turn. If you start your right turn from the right lane, you're supposed to finish in the right lane. If you start in the left lane, you finish in the left lane.

What baffles me is when people want to be in the left lane after they turn, but they begin their turn from the right lane. They will either change to the left lane mid-turn, or wait until the turn is barely completed then dive to the left with a single blink of the turn signal. If you want to be in the left lane when you finish your turn, why not be in the left lane when you START the turn?

And it's usually the same commuters every morning who make this maneuver, cutting off the car or bus in the other lane. So, it's not like it's a fluke, confusion thing.

Just another example of the ME FIRST mentality.

Everyone else be damned...

One Ringy Dingy... Two Ringy Dingy...

2010-06-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again.

Time for the endless computer generated politcal calls, whoring each candidate, extolling their "virtues" and stamping their opponents' names into the dirt. I get really tired of these calls each year, because by the time they begin I've pretty much made my decisions regarding who I plan to vote for.

And they always come at dinner time.

I know, I know. That's the best time to get an actual person to answer the phone. But still. I hate having my dinner interrupted. Especially when it's several times an evening.

I also just discovered that if you hang up on Steve Poizner's call, it'll call you back. Determined old bastard, isn't he?

Now, the average household probably gets two or three of these calls a day. But we are not the average household. I'm registered Republican, and she (for now) is registered Democrat. So we get TWICE the calls.

Welcome to Hell...

Bigger than a Costco Sized Can...

2010-06-01T16:13:00.001-07:00

Here We Go Again...

2010-05-29T23:14:00.000-07:00

CBS 5 is once again referring to a suspect as a "victim".

Pinole Police officers shot and killed a parolee this week, and every time the story pops up on the "news", they refer to the dead guy not as "the suspect", "the parolee" or even "the shithead". They call him the "victim".

How do the people responsible for these news stories (emphasis on the "story" rather than the "news") convince themselves that a person who is ordered to show his hands and instead reaches for his waistband is a "victim"? The guy was on parole for prior drug crimes. He FU'd the officers for quite some time, purportedly ignored orders to show his hands, and generally failed to act as a parolee is required to act by the terms of his parole. And he got dead because of his own stupidity, hard-headedness, or whatever you choose to call the defect.

How does that make him a victim?

And before the anti-police crowd start in about the officers being loose canons, cowboys or whatever else you want to say, you'd better be able to show some sort of proof that what you say is true. I can back up everything I've written here.

Victim my ass...

Put the Smack Down...

2010-05-24T19:36:00.000-07:00

Snake was standing on the porch the other day with his MP3 player in hand. The player decided it wanted to be a bad, recalcitrant player and it froze up on him.

He tried pushing all of the buttons in sequence, then all at once. He tried yelling at his MP3 player (surprisingly to no avail). He did nearly everything short of holding the power button down for an extended period (which I know for a fact works on this particular player).

Then he smacked it.

It's human nature I guess, that when something does not work as desired, one should smack the living shit out of it until it either DOES work properly, or in the case of Snake's player, ceases to work at all.

We've all done it.

If the computer mouse freezes up, what do you do? You smack it on the mouse pad, right?

Car won't start? First response is usually to utter some soothing words to the effect of "Come on honey. Just start for me this once and I promise I'll get you a new battery." When that fails, you cuss at it while you hit the dash. (You're only laughing because you've done this too.)

Back in the days of analog televisions and rabbit ears (I'm dating myself, I know), what did grandpa do when the picture got fuzzy? He walked over and walloped the top of the television. I'm still not sure why, but this nearly ALWAYS worked for my grandpa.

In the modern age the sequence of events is not terribly different, only now we smack the remote instead of the television.

Any copper who carries a Streamlight or Mag-Lite flashlight is well versed in the art of whacking the thing on the palm of their hand or the sole of their shoe when the light fails to turn on with a simple press of the switch.

I suppose smacking the crap out of something to make it behave properly must be our instinctual reaction because it sometimes works.

Now, if only it worked on my kids...

Dude, Really?

2010-05-21T22:58:00.001-07:00

Innovative? Maybe.

Unstable? Oh, yeah.

This guy was tooling along at 70+ and could barely contain it to a single lane. He was wobbling all over the place.

But I suppose if you gotta get your bike there and all you got is a motor...

Ya gotta do whatcha gotta do...

No Sense of Direction...

2010-05-14T19:19:00.000-07:00

A few helpful hints for the HUA (Head Up Ass) drivers in Smithville... and everywhere else for that matter...

If you happen to be tooling along and you see a pissed off looking traffic cop standing in the roadway gesturing at you, take a moment...

Look at the gestures...

Read what the copper is telling you to do. Most traffic cops are very good at directing you where we want you to go. If I stand in front of you and point toward your right with one hand, while waving my other hand back and forth in a generally "rightward" direction relative to your present direction of travel, I most likely want you to... wait for it...

TURN RIGHT!!!

Never mind that there is a big fire truck, ambulance or police vehicle blocking the street behind me. Never mind that there is what remains of a Toyota Tercel wrapped securely around the power pole that is now fallen completely across the thoroughfare upon which you are trying to travel. Never mind that you couldn't go that way even if you really, REALLY wanted to. Just turn right like I tell you to.

If for some reason you want to turn left, and you decide to turn your blinker on to tell me so, don't be surprised if I am somewhat more insistent in my gesturing at you to TURN RIGHT. I will not allow you to turn left across the path of the traffic another officer is directing in the opposite direction.

When I DO become more insistent, don't stop in the middle of the traffic lane and gesture back at me that you want to go left. I assure you, you are going to turn right. Whether you like it or not. At this point I may even stop gesturing and do something totally uncalled for. Like yell at you.

The perceived inconvenience I cause you by making you leave your ant trail and go around the block is NOTHING compared to the actual inconvenience you will have just caused me and the other pissed off motorists behind you by failing to heed the instructions of a uniformed peace officer.

Also, should you decide to disregard my direction and turn left anyway, be ye not surprised when thou shalt receiveth a citation for failing to obey a lawful order by a peace officer. Mind you, you will not be receiving this citation in any sort of timely manner either. You will be sitting patiently (or perhaps impatiently) on the side of the road until I am finished directing the other drivers who DO follow my direction. Then, and only then, will I return my attention to you and the citation you so richly deserve.

For the record, I do not stand in the middle of the street waving my arms like a lunatic for my own health. In fact, standing in front of your 6000 pound steel missile most likely THREATENS my health more than it helps. If I am standing in the street directing traffic, there is a specific reason I am telling you which way to go, and not allowing you to go any other way. But, like I tell my kids, I'm not always going to be able to explain why I'm telling you to do whatever it is I'm telling you to do.

I just expect you to do it...

Court Time...

2010-05-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in traffic court this morning, waiting for my case to be called.

When roll was called my defendant didn't answer, so I knew I was in for a long wait. You see, when the defendant fails to appear in our traffic court, that case waits until the end to give them a chance to show up.

So I waited...

And waited...

And waited.

My case was called dead assed last.

When my defendant's name was called I walked up to the table and waited to be sworn in. Just then I heard the door open at the back of the courtroom and in walked my defendant. Only two hours after court started.

I guess she didn't want to exceed the speed limit today.

Thanks for showing up.

Maybe next time you could trouble yourself to be ON TIME...

What is a Police Officer?

2010-05-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

This is borrowed from the late Paul Harvey. He uses the term "policeman", and I'll keep this sincere to his words, but we all know it applies to "policewomen" too. So, here it is, word for word...

=====================================

A policeman is a composite of what all men are I guess...

A mingling of saint and sinner... dust and deity. Culled statistics wave the fan over stinkers... underscore instances of dishonesty and brutality because they are "news".

What that REALLY means is they are exceptional, they are unusual - they are not commonplace. Buried under the froth is the fact, and the fact is that less than one half of one percent of policemen misfit that uniform. And that, is a better average than you'd find among clergymen.

What is a policeman? He, of all men, is at once the most needed and the most wanted... a strangely nameless creature who is "sir" to his face... and "pig", or worse, behind his back.

He must be such a diplomat that he can settle differences between individuals... so that each will think he won...

But if a policeman is neat he's conceited, if he's careless he's a bum, if he's pleasant he's a flirt, if he's not he's a grouch.

He must make instant decisions which would require months for a lawyer. But if he hurries, he's careless. If he is deliberate, he's lazy. He must be first to an accident... infallible with a diagnosis... he must be able to start breathing, stop bleeding, tie splints and above all be sure the victim goes home without a limp...

...or expect to be sued.

The police officer must know every gun... draw on the run... and hit where it doesn't hurt.

He must be able to whip two men twice his size and half his age....without damaging his uniform and without being brutal. If you hit him, he's a coward. If he hits you, he's a bully.

A policeman must know everything and not tell. He must know where all of the sin is...

...and not partake.

The policeman, from a single human hair, must be able to describe the crime, the weapon, the criminal.. and tell you where the criminal is hiding. But if he catches the criminal he's lucky... if he doesn't he's a dunce.

If he gets promoted he has political pull. If he doesn't he's a dullard.

The policeman must chase bum leads to a dead end, stake out ten nights to tag one witness who saw it happen, but refuses to remember.

He runs files and writes reports until his eyes ache, to build a case against some felon who will get dealed out by a shameless shamus or an honorable who isn't honorable.

The policeman must be a minister... a social worker... a diplomat... a tough guy... and a gentleman.

And of course he'll have to be a genius...

...because he will have to feed a family on a policeman's salary.

Here it is if you want to hear Mister Harvey speak it...

Hey Idiot...

2010-05-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you. The dipstick at the gas station this morning...

You know the signs that were hanging at the pumps telling you not to smoke or use your cell phone?

That does not mean to use your cell phone with Bluetooth so it seems as if you are yelling at yourself. It means do not use your phone near the pump. Leave it in the car so you don't burn your car up.

And no smoking means just that. NO SMOKING. It certainly doesn't mean to hang your still burning ciggy on your side mirror while you fill your tank.

If someone were to approach you regarding your behavior I have no doubt you would argue that you were not ACTIVELY smoking and that your celly was in your POCKET so you were not acting in an unsafe or irresponsible manner, thus absolving yourself of any responsibility should the Quik Stop suddenly burst into flames.

The problem with folks like you, idiot, is you want to do whatever you feel like doing, and if you are somehow injured by your own actions you say that is your own problem. Well, guess what Sparky.

Perhaps I shouldn't use Sparky since we are, after all, talking of gas stations...

Anyway...

The rules are not in place just for your safety. They are also to protect others from people such as yourself.

I suppose I could look at it another way. Your obvious disdain for the rules created a situation that was dangerous for yourself and others.

Maybe I should just 5150 you...

Parolees. Gotta Give 'em Credit...

2010-04-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

I was covering another officer on a car stop today when the dispatcher told us the driver of the car was on parole.

Parole is one of those magic words, because it means we get to search the parolee and his car. Oddly enough, whenever I search a parolee's vehicle, I almost always manage to find something that will violate said parolee's parole.

Today, my co-worker found a credit card in a name other than the parolee's. The parolee gave the standard parolee answer when asked about the credit card found in his car.

"I found it and was going to turn it in."

Outstanding. You were going to do your civic duty and turn in the card you found laying on the ground. At least that's what you say.

I suppose there must be some magnetism between parolees and the property of others, because parolees somehow ALWAYS manage to "find" stuff that doesn't belong to them. Funny thing is, they never manage to find the time to "turn it in". I have never once had a parolee turn ANYTHING in to me as found property.

I don't know about you, but if I was on parole and I saw a credit card on the ground, I'd leave it and walk away. I wouldn't be caught DEAD with someone else's credit cards.

Especially if I was two months from finishing my parole.

Maybe I'm just a smart em-effer.

I dunno...

Excuses, Excuses...

2010-04-28T18:17:00.000-07:00

I write speeding tickets. A LOT of speeding tickets.

I have therefore heard A LOT of excuses for speeding. I'll post some of the better ones here for your amusement. Most of these are common excuses used by many, many drivers.

1 - I'm late for work / an appointment / school / etc.

Well, guess what Sparky. You just got a little later. Sit tight and I'll be right back with you.

2 - I'm on my way to my Mama's house because she's having a medical emergency.

Well hell, why don't you just go right on your way. On second thought, in the time it took you to drive from Oakland to Smithville an ambulance could have already gotten to your mother's house and taken her to the hospital. Would you like me to call an ambulance for her since they will likely STILL get there before you legally can? No? Didn't think so.

3 - You got me going downhill.

No shit. Really? That's why they put that other pedal to the left of the go faster pedal.

4 - You were hiding.

And your point is?

5 - My car is a (insert the year make and model of your POS ride here) and it can't go that fast.

I assure you, it can. And it was.

6 - My car is only a four-banger. I can't have been going that fast.

If you said it was a three-banger Hyundai I might buy that one. But your supercharged Acura Integra? Not so much. Matter of fact, hows about we pop the hood on that bad boy and let's see the C.A.R.B. stickers on all your modifications, shall we?

7 - My wife is pregnant and I'm on my way to the hospital.

Holy Shit! You'd better go back and get her then because she's not in the car! I think you must have forgotten her!

8 - Sorry. I guess it got away from me a little.

Dammit. I hate it when that happens.

9 - Did you see that big truck that came over into my lane? I had to speed up to get around him.

How about, work with me here, SLOWING DOWN and letting him get away from you?

10 - I had to pass that guy because he was going, like, really slow.

I'll never understand why, but a good 90% of those using this excuse include the "like". The problem here lies in the fact that the "like, really slow" car they passed was doing "like" 5 miles OVER the posted speed limit.

11 - It's a new car and I'm not used to it.

Maybe you should take it back and get something a little less speedy then, eh?.

12 - (and by far my favorite thus far) I'm late for court.

Really? What was the ticket for? No, wait. Don't tell me. Let me guess...

Speeding, right?

Sometimes I wish people could be a little more original and not just rehash the same, tired old excuses.

Alas, they can't...

Cell Phony...

2010-04-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

So there I was, driving along and minding my own business...

Suddenly, I notice a vehicle approaching from my left and coming to a stop at the stop sign. As I pass within about 20 feet of the front of this vehicle I can clearly see the driver is holding a cell phone up to her right ear, with her left hand across her chest. As I continue to watch she changes hands, with the phone never leaving her ear, then she makes a right turn past me.

I, of course, busted a u-turn at the next intersection and caught up to her. When I stopped her and walked up to her window our discourse went a little something like this he-ah...

Me - Hi there. I stopped you because you weren't using a hands free device on the cell phone you were talking on.

Driver - I don't even own a cell phone.

Me - Well then, perhaps you could explain what the grey rectangular item was that you were holding up to your ear when I passed.

Driver - (Looking around the interior of the vehicle then picking up a compact disc) It could have been this.

Me - I suppose it could have been, but it wasn't. You see that is round and silver. Your phone was rectangular and grey.

Driver - (Picking up one of those visor mounted CD caddy things) Well, I was looking through this.

Me - Now, why would you hold that up to your ear?

Driver - Well, you can search my car and I guarantee you won't find a phone in here.

Me - I'm not going to do that. Wait here.

When she told me I could search the car, I didn't even want to think of what body part her phone was hidden on, in or under. It is not worth it for me to search for the cellular phone for an infraction. I just wrote her the ticket.

This is one of those citations I always hope goes to court. She will undoubtedly tell the commissioner the same thing she told me. "I don't have a phone".

I can't wait to see the look on her face when she can't explain why she couldn't come up with a reasonable explanation as to what I saw her holding up to her ear that looked so much like a cell phone, and why she would hold a compact disc or a CD caddy up to her ear in the first place.

As I have said before. If I stopped you, I am 100% sure I saw you do what I say I saw you doing, and that it was you who was doing it.

Say it with me kids...

Press hard, you are making three copies...

Another Reason Not to Drive...

2010-04-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

I was reminded this morning of another reason not to drive.

13) If you are an impatient old bag who likes to make excuses for your ignorant mistakes. You rear ended my car lady, it was YOUR fault. Stupidity reigns supreme.

Reasons Not to Drive...

2010-04-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

Do us all a favor and don't drive if any of the following apply to you:

1) You've been consuming alcoholic beverages
2) You're upset or angry
3) You're tired
4) You're depressed
5) You're distracted
6) You don't have a license
7) Your license is suspended
8) You're ill
9) You're high
10) You have more people in the car than you have seats
11) You have no seats (Hey... I've seen it happen)
12) You have a flat tire (You know, thumpata thumpata thumpata)

I know, we all drive under some of these conditions at times. Sometimes you can't help it. But just be aware that the odds of crashing or otherwise talking to me are increased when your attention is on something other than your driving. Especially when you consider the other drivers around you are very likely driving under the very same circumstances.

Be careful. It's hell out there...

Funny.... Ha Ha....

2010-04-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

"A rose by any other name would likely be "deadly thorn bearing assault vegetation".

Robert Bullock

Scam Artists...

2010-03-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

About six months ago I saw a man and a woman near an intersection in Smithville holding signs. The signs had pictures of a young boy along with the words "Donations for funeral" and "Please help" and "2005-2009".

I thought "That's pretty rough". Drivers passing by must have thought so too, because they were handing five and ten dollar bills out the windows. It occurred to me that it must suck to have to stand on the street to ask for money for your child's funeral. I genuinely felt bad for those folks.

Until yesterday...

I saw the same folks, near the same intersection, with the same signs. The only difference was the signs now said 2006-2010. Needless to say, I was pissed. People were still blindly handing money out the window to these people, because they had signs that tugged at the heart-strings. And I even bought it the first time.

They were very fortunate I was not on duty when I saw them. I'll be looking for them this week though. What they are doing is a crime.

Yes, asking for donations for a funeral that isn't going to happen is a crime in California. It's called theft under false pretenses.

It's almost enough to make me mention the real location of Smithville, so folks know not to trust these bastards.

Almost...

Hurry Up and Wait...

2010-03-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

Yet another regular phenomenon for which I have no logical explanation.

Why is it that the drivers who claim to be in the biggest hurry are also the ones who argue and delay the most when I return to their window with the ticket?

Do they suddenly not have to be where they told me they were in such a hurry to be when they said they had to be there? Really, you might still be able to make it to your 11:00 appointment, since it's only 10:50 and you're three blocks away. If you want to dispute the citation here and now however, you're certainly going to be late.

Do they think by delaying they are somehow putting me out? I got news for ya Bubba. I got ALLLLLLL day.

Then there are the folks who tell me I am making them late. Really? I'M making YOU late? I disagree. I believe YOU are making YOURSELF late. First by violating the law in my presence, and secondly by arguing with me about it, thereby delaying yourself further.

If you're in such a big all-fired hurry, just sign the ticket and move on. However, if you REALLY want to argue, I'll play,

I do, after all, have all day...

Not Right Now...

2010-03-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

When I stop a car, the first thing I ask the driver is if they have their license. One common answer to this question is "No. Not right now."

So, you're saying you have a license, but you don't have it with you?

No.

No you don't have it with you, or no that's not what you're saying?

I don't have one right now.

This conversation generally leads to the revelation that the driver does not have, and has never had a California driver license, or that their license is suspended.

Very rarely does a driver flat out tell me "I don't have a license" or "my license is suspended".

It's like people think if they dance around the truth without actually telling me, it's going to make the issue go away. I often wonder if this has worked for folks before, because so many people handle it in that manner.

Sorry. Doesn't work with me...

Read the BOLD Print...

2010-03-08T19:29:00.000-08:00

Hint:

If the Department of Motor Vehicles gives you a piece of paper with big bold letters across the top that say...

INCOMPLETE APPLICATION - THIS IS NOT AN OPERATING PERMIT

do not hand it to Officer Smith and tell me your car is registered. I assure you I will point out the aforementioned BIG BOLD LETTERS and tell you to try again.

When you get your registration renewal reminder in the State of California, it will tell you everything you need to do to register your car. If it says you need a smog check and proof of insurance along with the fees, simply paying the fees does not magically make your car registered and legal to drive.

Fees paid does not a registered vehicle make...

Bus Stop...

2010-03-06T20:33:00.000-08:00

Hey dude,

I assure you, standing in the middle of the street and looking for the bus will not make it arrive any faster.

It might get you run over though...

In Bad Taste...

2010-03-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when someone tastes something absolutely disgusting, their first reaction is to say

"Dude, taste this! It's friggin' NASTY!"

???

Getting Fixed...

2010-02-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

I stopped a car this morning with a windshield so horribly cracked, I don't know how the driver could even see where she was going.

I asked the driver my standard question for such stops. When did that happen?

She said it had been like that for six months, and she was going to get it fixed next week.

I informed her I'd be right back with her citation.

Her response? "I JUST TOLD YOU I'M GOING TO FIX IT?! WHY ARE YOU WRITING ME A FIX IT TICKET?!"

Let me explain it like this. If I don't write the ticket, I have no assurance you will actually fix it. Yes, I know you TOLD me you're going to fix it. But get this...

PEOPLE LIE!

I know, I know, you're not a liar. You're the best, most honest driver in the world. I've heard that one before.

Unfortunately for you, others have told me they were going to do something, then a month or two later I've seen them cruising around with the same problem.

By issuing the fix it ticket, I at least have some assurance that you will actually fix the problem.

Dude, really?

2010-02-16T19:04:00.000-08:00

We went to Outback Steakhouse for dinner this evening and I saw something that really made me wonder about the thought processes of certain other human beings.

I went into the men's room to, well, umm, use the men's room. As I walked in something caught my eye. Sitting there on the bathroom counter was a Styrofoam box with someone's left overs in it. On the BATHROOM counter.

IN THE BATHROOM!

Dude! Really? Seriously?

Taking food into a PUBLIC RESTROOM?!

Do you have any idea what is floating in the air in there just waiting to settle upon your warm, moist food and... well... culture?

Damn. Now I have to go eat MY dinner...

In the Name of God?

2010-02-14T17:28:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit torqued off lately.

I have an uncle who has been in the hospital for some time, and tends to slip back and forth from doing well to doing poorly.

My aunt regularly posts updates of his condition on Facebook. Reading her posts, I can tell she is having a really rough time of it, and I wish I lived closer so I could actually do something. I would like to be able to go over once or twice a week and just give her a day off of caring for him. A break. A minute or two of freedom.

Unfortunately, I live too far away to be of regular use to her.

What bothers me is the comments left on her posts by the members of their church congregation. These supposed "friends" who actually DO live in the area. Do these "religious" people offer to help? Do they offer to pitch in for even one day? An hour? Do they offer any sort of physical, tangible help?

No.

They say "We're praying for you."

They say "You're in our hearts and minds."

They say "May God give you the strength you need during these trying times."

Goddamnit, my aunt has plenty of strength. What she needs is not prayer. What she needs is a hand now and then. There area a hundred-something members of their church. If one a day stepped up to help, they would only have to do so once every three months.

But no. These people are so fucking full of themselves that they can't be bothered to provide any sort of physical assistance to their "brother".

Remind me again why I haven't gone to church since I was a kid...

I'd Just Like to Say One Thing...

2010-02-07T18:49:00.000-08:00

WHO DAT!!!!

Irony...

2010-02-05T08:50:00.000-08:00

While working one of my favorite duck ponds recently, I had the opportunity to catch up to a speeder, and I intended to pull her over and discuss her indiscretion.

When I caught up and was preparing to hit the lights, I noticed her bumper sticker...

"Something wonderful is about to happen."

I'm sure the folks who live on "speed street" agree...

Do me a favor...

2010-01-30T16:47:00.000-08:00

If you should ever happen to look in your rear view mirror and see a cop car weaving side to side about two inches from your rear bumper, do me a favor.

Even if the lights and siren aren't on, get the hell out of the way..... that cop is trying to get somewhere, and you're blocking progress.

I'd Like to Buy a Clue, Pat...

2010-01-27T13:19:00.000-08:00

Imagine, if you will, it's payday. You have your paycheck burning the proverbial hole in your proverbial pocket, and cannot wait to cash it.

Now, you pull into the parking lot of your local branch and you see (work with me here) three marked police cars parked out front. Those would be the black and white taxi cab looking things with the light bars on the roof and POLICE in big ass block letters across the trunk.

If you haven't yet figured out there's a problem and you walk up to the front doors of your bank (you know... the one with all the police cars parked out front), and there is yellow crime scene tape across the doorway, and a police officer is inside the doors processing the aforementioned doors for fingerprints, do us all a favor...

Leave.

Go to another branch.

Don't pull on the doors.

Don't ask the officer if the bank is open.

And certainly don't try to hand me your paycheck through the little gap in the doors and ask me to deposit it for you. I assure you I can't do that for you, and you will not be happy when it comes back through at you covered in graphite powder.

Now I know some of my readers will be cracking up at this whole prospect, either because it sounds crazy or because you have been that officer. But there will likely be others who ask themselves "What's wrong with doing that?"

Most of the general public, apparently, fall into the latter category.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to pull on the door I was fingerprinting, despite the large, usually day-glo orange sign posted on the door telling them the bank was closed due to an emergency and the bright yellow tape stretched across the doorway, I could probably afford to buy the bank.

It really is shocking that there are so many clueless individuals out there...

Cell Phonies...

2010-01-20T14:50:00.000-08:00

As you walk into our local traffic courtroom, there is a sign beside the door. The sign reads "CELL PHONE ACTIVITY IS NOT PERMITTED IN THE COURTROOM. TURN OFF ALL DEVICES BEFORE ENTERING THE COURTROOM."

When the judge comes in and sits down, one of the first things he does is tell everyone in the courtroom that cell phone activity is not allowed, and to please step outside and turn them off if you haven't already done so. Oddly enough, damned near every time he says this someone turns off their phone IN THE COURTROOM, with the accompanying dings, doodles and tunes. The judge looks at the offender and says "And that would be the reason we ask you to step outside to turn them off."

Now, after this daily fiasco, you'd think people would get it, right? Not so much.

Today during trials, four separate people, at four separate times turned their cell phones off in the courtroom, making noises and interrupting the trials. But that's not even the best part.

One DEFENDANT, while testifying, stopped to answer his cell phone when it rang. During his own trial. The judge got so pissed at the guy, he told him to take the phone out and turn it off, then when he came back in the judge sat him down and made him wait until the end of court to finish his trial.

I wonder when they're going to start impounding phones at the door...

Just in Case Anyone was Wondering...

2010-01-18T23:33:00.000-08:00

Some recent posts and comments on this and other blogs have gotten me thinking that perhaps some readers may mistakenly believe that a certain blog author may write tickets to people for so called "bullshit violations", or that every driver stopped is cited regardless of the "insignificance" of the violation. A couple of comments have been so blatantly out of line, abusive and even borderline criminal that they have been outright rejected.

As a result, I decided to go back and count my "stats" for the past week.

During my 40 hour work week I stopped 45 individual vehicles. Of those 45 traffic stops, 17 received verbal warnings, and the remaining 28 received citations. I also mailed one owner responsibility citation for an equipment violation and I issued a citation to the owner of a vehicle for knowingly allowing an unlicensed driver to operate his vehicle, so if you want to be picky you could say I issued 30 tickets for 45 car stops.

Three vehicles were impounded for suspended driver licenses, and one for registration that was 22 months expired. Two licensed passengers were allowed to drive the vehicles of unlicensed drivers, in lieu of impounding the cars.

Mind, not all weeks are the same, and this week was chosen at random. I didn't "stage" the week to get favorable stats. In fact, I didn't even decide to do this until the week was done, and I had to go back and get the info I've posted here.

Think what you want, but I think a warning for every two citations should be pretty fair in anyone's book. Especially since most of the citations were for things like excessive speed and license violations.

Take it for what it's worth...

Get a Fourth Opinion...

2010-01-16T12:21:00.000-08:00

I was at a local bagel joint this morning with the Mrs. and couldn't help but overhear an interesting conversation.

Three guys at the next table over were attempting to explain to the woman seated with them the intricacies of her vehicle. She asked a very simple question about four-wheel-drive, and got three completely different (and totally inaccurate) answers from her three table-mates.

One guy insisted that the vehicle should be in four wheel drive all the time when she was driving on the freeway. Huh? Yeah, sure, throw that puppy in four-by while you're tooling down the interstate. I just hope you don't mind seeing smoke pouring out of your transfer case, if you have a transfer case left that is. I think maybe he had four wheel drive confused with overdrive, but I can't be sure.

The second fellow told her confidently that the "4-D" light on her dashboard was there to tell her when she needed to turn on four wheel drive. I'm sorry, but I just have no come-back for that one.

Last but not least was the old fart at the table. He got off to a good start when he told her to down shift to 3 or 2 when she was going up or down a steep hill. Okay. We're good so far. Then he told her she should use the auto-stick feature of her car for everyday driving. "Don't use the automatic, I call them WOMEN gears!" he bellowed. Oh for fuck's sake! Why would you even buy a car with an automatic transmission if you're going to shift it manually all the time? The auto-stick is great for twisty roads where you want the transmission in a certain gear at certain times, but on the freeway? Come on now.

So after the "boys" finished telling the "little lady" how to drive her car, and the lady could get a word in edgewise, she finally managed to make them understand that her car was not "FOUR wheel drive", but "ALL wheel drive".

She pointed out the section in the owner guide that showed the 4-D light on her dash meant the all wheel drive system was in a four wheel drive mode, and should only be used to get out of situations where the four wheels have uneven traction. It sounded from her description more like a traction control system than a four wheel drive.

Hopefully she doesn't take their advice unless she can afford a new drivetrain...

Freaky Fridays...

2010-01-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

I have noticed a rather disturbing trend of late. The last few Fridays, I have been driving down the Boulevard in Smithville, and I have noticed a conspicuous absence of normal workday traffic.

On a normal work day, there is at least a moderate amount of traffic on the Boulevard throughout the day. Yes, the commute hours are much heavier, but even at noon it is generally rather difficult to get from one end of town to the other.

Recently, however, I have caught myself thinking of how the Boulevard looks like Sunday, even though it's Friday. Right down to the lack of vehicles parked along the curbs in front of the businesses.

I don't know for sure why this is, but I have heard some interesting hypotheses.

The most realistic is the thought that there are so many people suffering from Furlough Fridays that the traffic on Fridays is almost non-existent. I can think of no other reasonable explanation.

I can only hope it gets better in the not too distant future,

For the sake of the furloughed....

Welcome to the United States of America...

2010-01-10T21:54:00.000-08:00

The good ol' U.S. of A. The land of the free.

Many of us were born here. Many of us immigrated. Most of us love the place.

Possibly the best part of living in the United States of America is the freedom we have. We are free to move from place to place. We are free to speak our minds. We are free to do things people in many other countries are not.

One reason we are afforded such freedoms is the set of laws that govern us. We have laws to make us behave. We have laws to keep us from abusing the rights of our countrymen. If there is a law against something, it is probably either immoral, obnoxious or unsafe.

What bothers me is when people say a given law is ridiculous simply because I am enforcing it. The law prohibiting jaywalking, holding your cell while driving, or speeding is just fine until you're getting a ticket. Then it becomes "a way to build the county's coffers" or "just harassing me".

I tend to look at it differently. EVERY SINGLE LAW that is on the books was put there for a reason. Our legislators felt that it was necessary to prohibit certain things out of courtesy for a larger portion of society. Many traffic collisions were caused by people paying more attention to their cell phones than their driving, so a law was enacted to stop us from doing so. People were getting run over by the ever increasing number of vehicles when they crossed the street in the middle of the block, so a law was enacted to require us to cross at a crosswalk.

I don't see why people can't just abide by the laws we are all supposed to live by. It may be inconvenient for you to go to the end of the block and make a u-turn rather than making an illegal left turn, but the turn was prohibited for a reason. I'm not an engineer, and I can't usually tell you what that reason was, but I can guarantee there was a reason. If I can spend the extra minute to do it legally so can you. And if you're too goddamned impatient, lazy, inconsiderate or just plain over-privileged to do it legally, don't bitch when I write you a ticket for it.

We are free because we mostly obey the laws that are in place to protect us from ourselves. If we consistently disobey the law, it is not going to make those laws go away. Instead, we might see some of our freedom go away because of the vocal minority who feel that the law does not apply to them.

The police are not here to make your life difficult.

People do that just fine on their own...

On the Outside Looking In...

2010-01-08T16:19:00.000-08:00

For all the drivers who insist I didn't see you do what I stopped you for because you are 100% sure you were not speeding, you stopped for the stop sign, the light was yellow, you weren't three feet off that other car's bumper, or whatever other excuse you may come up with, I'd like you to remember one thing...

While you were driving on autopilot, with your head firmly planted in your ass, oblivious to your surroundings or to the presence of the police officer in your vicinity, I was busy watching your car from the outside. While your driving had maybe half your attention, if you're lucky, my attention was completely focused on your driving. You probably didn't even notice you rolled that stop sign at ten miles per hour, but I saw you run the stop sign.

I'm sure you'll insist that your attention is ALWAYS 100% on your driving, but have no fear.

I know the truth...

Press hard, you are making four copies...

(Thanks Bus Driver)

See the Light...

2010-01-04T16:27:00.000-08:00

There seems to be a bit of confusion as to the proper course of action to take when your light turns green and there is still a car in the intersection.

I'm not referring to the jackass who started across and didn't have room to clear the intersection, and is now stuck in the middle directly in front of you. I'm referring to the driver who entered the intersection on a yellow light which then turned red, allowing your light to turn green while the other car was still transiting the intersection.

The proper course of action is not to start driving right into the path of that vehicle. Nor is honking your horn for five solid seconds the right thing to do. Actually, by law you are required to yield to any vehicle lawfully entering the intersection before your light turned green.

Don't believe me?

Read this:

21451.  (a) A driver facing a circular green signal
shall proceed straight through or turn right or left
or make a U-turn unless a sign prohibits a U-turn. 
Any driver, including one turning, shall yield the
right-of-way to other traffic and to pedestrians
lawfully within the intersection or an adjacent crosswalk.

But of course nobody wants to abide by that, because they think they can just start rolling when the light turns green...

Note to Car Thieves...

2010-01-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

When you're being dragged out of your stolen vehicle after a four and a half mile pursuit, during which you nearly ran me down, tried to run three other cars off the road, and ran no less than six red lights, it is really not a good time to say you're sorry.

Even if you do say you're sorry, I won't hear it until I listen to my digital recorder later, and it will not likely save you from the force with which you may or may not be removed from said stolen vehicle.

You've been warned...

Happy New Year...

2009-12-31T21:20:00.000-08:00

I have the good fortune to not be working New Year's Eve or New Year's Day this year.

I get to spend it at home with my family.

To all my brothers and sisters who have to work tonight or tomorrow, know I'm thinking of you. Next year it could easily be the other way around.

Stay safe, and have a happy new year...

Mother of the Year...

2009-12-29T21:34:00.000-08:00

I stopped the next candidate for Mother of the Year today.

I stopped a car because the driver and passenger were not wearing their seatbelts. By the time I walked up to the driver, the youngster in the rear seat was out of his child seat. I'm sure he was not properly secured in the first place, but since I didn't actually see him improperly secured in the seat when the car was moving, I couldn't cite the driver.

When I insisted that the driver properly secure the child before she drove away, she gave me shit for it. She lit into me for writing her the seatbelt ticket. She started in about how I probably wanted to write her the child seat ticket too. "Y'all wanna write tickets for everything. He fine without the straps. I ain't gon' crash or nothin" She seemed to truly believe her child would survive a major collision if he was not strapped into his child safety seat.

Mom simply could not believe that I cared about her son. My main concern was the safety of her child,

which is more than I can say for her...

Politically Correct...

2009-12-27T13:36:00.000-08:00

This is a concept that is often overdone.

I don't strive to be overtly politically incorrect, but I also don't consider political correctness as the primary objective in everything I do. In fact, many things I do or say could be construed as politically incorrect.

What spins me is when I see a person or organization so worried about their public image as to do whatever they can to satisfy EVERYONE'S illusions of political correctness.

"What in Hell are you talking about, Smith?" you ask. Well, let me tell you.

I was driving through town with the family on Thursday, when we passed an establishment that primarily offers an arena in which people can play laser tag type games. They give you a vest with sensors on it, and they give you a laser blaster, and your group goes into a room with all kinds of obstacles and cover and you basically shoot it out.

It's actually quite a lot of fun.

The slogan of this place used to be "Serious fun with a laser gun".

Well, when we drove past on Thursday, the sign on the side of the building said "Serious fun with a laser", and the letters for gun had been removed.

Are people really so fearful of guns that Q-zar feels the need to remove the word "gun" from their slogan, all the while handing you a gun as soon as you enter the building?

What's next? Nail guns will become pneumatic nailers? Hot glue guns will be hot glue applicators? Radar guns will become handheld radar devices?

It's a laser gun for crying out loud.

Deal with it...

'Twas the Night Before Christmas...

2009-12-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the town
Not a cretin was stirring
Except for one clown

The citizens were nestled
All snug in their beds
Not a thought of this criminal
Passed through their heads

As Santa and his reindeer
Flew away after leaving
Some gifts for the kiddies
Our clown started thieving

When he tripped on the lawnmower
There arose such a clatter
But no one was awake
To see what was the matter

Away to the shadows
He flew like a flash
He found a window unlocked
And he eased up the sash

The thief crept through the house
With a creak of the floor
Then he ransacked the closets
And rifled through drawers

He took jewels and money
And a laptop and vase
Then to carry it all
Grabbed a clean pillowcase

Then the bastard took presents
From under the tree
With no thoughts of the children
Or of you, or of me

On the other side of town
Was a cop on his beat
Rolling round in his car
Checking down every street

He was rattling doors too
In his goal to ensure
Not that they were open
But that they were secure

Shining spot light down alleys
Looking in between houses
Naught escaped from his gaze
Not even the mouses

A well trained observer
Who lived for the night
Ever watchful, ever vigilant
Always doing what's right

When what in the beam
Of his light should appear
But the thief with the pillowcase
With a look like a deer

As the cop and the bad guy
Both gasped with a start
The clown took off running
Through the yards and the park

The clown kept on running
Over fences, round bikes
But the cop had another plan
Speaking into his mic

He called in the Cavalry
From throughout the town
On the head of that thief
Soon all hell would rain down

Come O'malley, come Johnson
Come Williams and Powell
Come Smith and McDonald
And Cartwright and Howell

Set up a perimeter
We'll box in that clown
I need a unit at the corner
Of 15th and Downs

Downs and 14th, Quinn and 14th
Lastly 15th and Quinn
Then we'll have him surrounded
We will have him penned in

They set up a perimeter
And they sealed up the block
With the thief hiding somewhere
Behind bushes or rocks

Then they called in the K9
Did a yard to yard search
Past the houses, through the park
Even round back a church

And they searched and they searched
They kept searching some more
Behind rocks, in the bushes
In the Dumpsters of stores

The last yard on the block
And the dog finally hit
When the mope saw the fur missile
His last thought was OH GEEZ!

After getting a bite
On his leg from the pup
The clown threw up his hands
And said "WAIT! I GIVE UP!"

PLEASE MAN, CALL THE DOG OFF!
Screamed our bloodied up clown
K9 copper yelled PLATZ!
And the doggie lay down

All the coppers piled on
And they put him in cuffs
Then the clown started wailing
'Cause he wasn't so tough

I can't breathe... ow, my leg
And such pointless mularkey
In attempts to get handcuffs removed
Nice try Sparky.

The presents went back
To their place un'the tree
Not a thing set amiss
When the kids come to see

In the back of the car
The thief went with a clatter
As the neighbors looked out
To see what was the matter

When the copper explained
To the folks what went down
They applauded and whistled
At the demise of the clown

Said the copper as he drove
With the clown out of sight
Merry Christmas to all
Thank You!...

And Good Night!

Merry Christmas, from the Smith house to yours...

More from Dave Ross...

2009-12-23T16:08:00.000-08:00

I've always liked listening to Dave Ross when his commentaries pop up on KCBS.

But he has earned a lot more of my respect recently...

Dave Ross on Lakewood...

2009-12-21T15:38:00.000-08:00

Truer words were never spoken.

And in case you're curious about the fund raiser for the aunt, look here.

Then do the right thing...

Crime Prevention Tip...

2009-12-19T12:56:00.000-08:00

I know this sounds like common sense, but...

DO NOT leave your stuff out in plain sight inside your vehicle, and lock your friggin' doors. I know this is going to be hard for most of you non cops to believe, but bad people really do roam your neighborhood in the wee hours looking into cars and stealing things. I know, it's shocking huh? Your neighborhood? Noooo, that could never happen in my neighborhood. Yes..... it can and it does.

I really hate it when I get a detail for a vehicle burglary, and the reporting party tells me a laptop was stolen from the front seat of the car. I just want to smack them upside the head. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Or I suppose the more appropriate question would be "Were you thinking?"

Let me give you some insight into the mind of a thief. I think I'm going to go to a nice neighborhood where people can afford to buy nice stuff, and I'm going to steal some nice stuff. I don't want to expend any more effort or make any more noise than I have to, so I'm just going to low profile it and look into cars as I pass by. If I don't see anything in your car, I'll probably just keep walking. If I see your laptop, or your camera, or money, or something else of value laying out in plain sight in your car, I'll check the door and see if it's locked. If it is, I'll probably break your window and reach in to take your property, then I'll hightail it outta there.

I have seen some pretty unbelievable stuff stolen out of cars in my city. Laptop computers by the dozens, cameras, cell phones, backpacks, briefcases, radar detectors, money, Ipods, a television, a chainsaw, and (think about this one) a gun. I haven't a lot of sympathy for these people.

I'm not really sure what the hell people are thinking when they leave their stuff in their cars. Cars are not secure storage places. If you have absolutely no other alternative, leave your stuff in the trunk so it's out of sight. If you are clueless enough to leave your valuables in your car, please don't whine to me when it mysteriously disappears.