Sunday, May 4, 2008


I have seen a man with the top of his skull hanging by a thread of skin, and his brain splattered on the inside of a windshield.

I have seen numerous people dead of natural causes and in various states of rigor mortis and lividity.

I have watched a man who was shot with a 12 gauge shotgun lay dying as paramedics worked him up for transport.

I have seen a body riddled with holes and lying in the street while blood ran into the gutter.

None of this has ever bothered me in the least. As police officers, we become desensitized to this and we don't let it get to us. Some people would consider us inhuman at times.

Today, I went to visit my grandmother who is in a board and care home. She cannot live by herself anymore as she is legally blind and has difficulty cooking and carrying out other simple tasks.

She was in incredible pain, and didn't say much. Mostly all she could do was groan. She is wasting away before our eyes. I have steeled myself for this for quite some time now, but it still hurts to see. When I told her we had to go, she didn't say anything. She just took hold of my shirt and wouldn't let me go. I couldn't stay in that place any longer, but I didn't want to leave her alone.

She's over an hour away from us, so visiting every day is out of the question. Even if I was able, I don't know how I could stand to go to that place every day. I don't know how my uncles do it.

The shitty part? I, the cop, the one citizens depend upon to solve all of their problems, the person who is supposed to be able to swoop in and save the day, can do absolutely nothing to make my grandma's situation better. If we had an extra room, maybe. But not in the space we have. I never wanted to see her this way. I saw my grandpa like this almost sixteen years ago, and I didn't want to see it again.

I have barely managed to keep it together today since we left from visiting her. My emotions are slowly catching up with me. I wasn't very good conversation during dinner tonight, and Mrs. Smith keeps asking me if I'm okay.

To quote a line from Pulp Fiction "Naw man. I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay". I'm surrounded by death and destruction on a daily basis, but it rarely affects me until it's someone who's important to me.

Today sucks.

Whaddya know? I am still human.


Berserk said...

Suffering is usually harder to see than death, but not always.

When it's someone close to you, that's what drives it home. I feel your pain, bro.

If it cheers you up at all to think of something else (or if it doesn't), I sent the fake license picture from your last post to my best friend. She loved it.

TheBronze said...

I'll say a prayer for you and your grandmother.

Be strong.

Kojak said...

Hey Bro! Yes you are human just like everybody else. You were chosen to do a tuff job that deals with so many emotions. God does NOT make mistakes he made the right choice. Just keep the faith and he will see you through it. God Bless You and Your Family.

Jay said...

What you’re going through is so very hard. I know from experience that you probably feel like you are being ripped apart at the moment but you go on doing what you need to do to get through to the next day. Just remember that you have your family who love you and want to be there for you so lean on them, they are there to help.
I know there few words that a stranger could say that would be of any comfort but I will mention that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

I want to offer my prayers for you and your family. Take Care and God Bless.

5150Wife said...

I never know what to say at times like this. Words never seem to come out right.

So I'll just say I'm very sorry you and your family are going through this.

Take care of yourself. And stay safe.

Anonymous said...

It's always humbling to find out you're still human, isn't it. We in this field are so used to fixing everything for everyone that it's doubly hard to be helpless to fix a loved one. She's in God's hands, keep the faith and remember that it is OK to have emotional reactions and be human with your loved ones- God bless you and your family, brother. You'll be in my prayers.