I Only Had Two Beers....

I have a special place in my heart for drunk drivers. It's called jail. If you feel the need to drive drunk, you'd best hope you never meet me. You will not like me, I guarantee it. I will make your life hell for as long as I can. I will arrest you and take you to jail, and your car will go to car jail.

I do everything I can to make a drunk driving arrest as expensive for you as I can. You will have to go to court. You will have to pay to get your car out of impound. You will have to pay for a damned good lawyer.

It's very simple to avoid my wrath. Have a designated driver. Drink at home and don't drive. Stay at the restaurant or bar until you are sober, not until you THINK you're sober. If none of the above options are available, you have one final option. DON'T DRINK!

If you choose to drive drunk, do not whine to me that you think I am too harsh for towing your ride. Do not whine that you don't think you need to go to jail. Do not whine that you "didn't drink that much". Most importantly, do not whine that you are going to sue me or have my badge because you're not drunk. Nearly every person I have arrested for DUI has used these very statements on me.

If I ever arrest you for drunk driving, you should thank me. I may have just saved your life. More importantly, I may have just saved you from killing someone else. I'm not sure why it is, but drunks usually pick the mini van full of kids to crash into. You should be very grateful that I stopped you before you had a chance to plow into that mini van.

But noooooo. Once you have that liquid courage running through your veins, you will insist that I am the one who is in the wrong. I should be out catching "real criminals". I should be solving murders and catching robbers. You're not a bad guy. Well, you know what? I couldn't find any robbers or murderers tonight, so I had to settle for you. And, last I checked, driving under the influence of alcohol IS a crime. Therefore you would be a real criminal.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I have a VERY low tolerance for drunk drivers. But as long as there is alcohol there will be drunk drivers. Job security? I suppose.